Complex heart & perplexed mind

"Everything happens for a reason."

2012-03-03T01:46:00.001+08:00

Many says sometimes you don't need reasons to fall in love... But do we even know what love really is? Perhaps I fall into curiosity instead. Or perhaps there's still reasons to it, for everything happens for a reason...

I think there must have been a reason why I have to meet you, why I feel all the feelings when I'm with you, why I have to struggle with myself, my emotions, my thoughts, every day. It may be because I've hid & ran from them away for too long, not facing, understanding, or correcting them at all. It may be because you deserve someone like me.

I feel like I've kinda stepped up to adversity. Feels like I'm forced to make some decisions though I'm still filled with all the confusions, uncertainties & insecurities swirled up inside of me.

Love, feels like reality in a slow motion blur somehow.

Palms

2012-03-02T02:21:00.000+08:00

"You are a warm person who is affectionate and emotional. You have a complex emotional pattern. You are a thorough and careful thinker. You like to experiment with new ideas. You do things according to your own rules. You are confident and able to take charge. You have a strong emotional drive and are a great communicator. Next year can be a very good year for you if you take the challenges that await you and be patient with your friends and family."

My results from a geomancist, who read my palms.
Undoubtedly I already have felt my complexities these years, being me... it's just tiring. I just wish there's more light to understand myself better sometimes.

Dear exams,

2012-02-06T01:38:00.002+08:00

Please have mercy on me...

It's, once again, the time to polish up my studies! :)

In a heartbeat

2012-02-01T00:00:00.000+08:00

Dear Universe:

Thank you for directing me down the path of love. In the beginning I remember thinking a lot of “I don’t know how"s: I don’t know how to love, or to be loved. I don’t know how to compromise, I don’t know how to manage my emotions. But I knew the thought of “learning how” would excite me and nourish me. I followed your que and my heart, I learned along the way, and I am still learning to this day. Here I am today, an aspiring lover of my one and only half, and an amazing wife I hope to be in the near future.

♥,

Me.

Love in life

2012-01-26T20:42:00.001+08:00

(♥)

It is a mystery why we fall in love. It is a mystery how it happens. It is a mystery when it comes. It is a mystery why some loves grow, and it is a mystery why some loves fail. You can analyze this mystery and look for reasons and causes, but you will never do any more than take the life out of the experience.

Love is more than the sum of the interests and attractions and commonalities that two people share. And just as life itself is a gift that comes and goes in its time, the coming of love must be taken as an unfathomable gift that cannot be questioned in its ways.

You need to treat what love brings you with kindness. If you find yourself in love with someone who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Love just didn’t choose to rest in the other person’s heart.

If you find someone else in love with you toward whom you feel no love, feel honored that love came and called at your door, but gently refuse the gift you cannot return. Do not take advantage; do not cause pain. How you deal with love is how love will deal with you, and all our hearts feel the same pains and joys, even if our lives and ways are very different.

If you fall in love with another who falls in love with you, and then love chooses to leave, do not try to reclaim it or to assess blame. Let it go. There is a reason and there is a meaning. You will know it in time, but time itself will choose the moment.

Remember this and keep it in your heart. You don’t choose love. Love chooses you. All you can really do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes into your life. Feel the way it fills you to overflowing, then reach out and give it away. Give it back to the person who brought it to you. Give it to others who seem poor in spirit. Give it to the world around you in any way you can.

Love has its own time, its own season, and its own reasons for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it or reason it into staying. If it chooses to leave your heart or the heart of your lover, there is nothing you can do and nothing you should do. Be glad that it came to live for a moment in your life. If you keep your heart open, it will surely come again.

- Kent Nerbern

Pocky!

2012-01-18T01:59:00.002+08:00

(.)

WHERE CAN I BUY SUCH A BIG PACKET OF POCKY BISCUIT STICKS?

I totally need it...

And I wanna send my special love and thanks to my honey for always buying me Pocky to fill up my cravings in my stressful life!

Talk about love in its little ways. You give me the best ones :) Being a brat before, I'm gonna be good learning at picking up your little kindness and love here and there for me soon...

Promise. :)

And a quote that sounds like my current relationship, creationship, sexyship with my honey hubbee...

"Let lovers be crazy reckless & disgraceful. If you are too careful God will escape you"

— Rumi

Say Anything

2012-01-16T01:36:00.002+08:00

"we won't break if we let go
you and i already know
we were bound to be set free
even surely, here we are now
you can say anything"

When being in love means you trust enough to confide in him & can say anything.
When being honest in love also means being hurt.
When being honest with yourself means letting him go & set you free sometimes.

If this is how a relationship's gonna go down, it's definitely taking a lot from her to come to terms with this.
I admire her for her honesty & courage. :)

Perfections & Imperfections

2012-01-10T18:06:00.005+08:00

(.)

I realise I'm a very self-driven soul, highly motivated by my own desires and responsibilities and I don't usually go with the flow, i.e, I could be very stubborn as I only go on with my own beliefs, which allows me to only understand certain important lessons in life through self-actualisation/ self-awakening/ self-enlightening.

I'm so blessed to have you who's always yelling at me whenever I've overly hurt you, or whenever I've become overly sensitive, overly insecure, overly fearful once again to love and forgive.

‎"If you focus on your partner’s imperfections you will never be happy. You will always be dissatisfied, wanting more, feeling deprived, feeling frustrated. And you will end up making your partner miserable, and pushing your relationship into misery.

Instead, look for what is good in your partner. See his/her beauty, good habits, loving or kind gestures, relationship with others, hidden potential, or other aspirations. If you look for beauty you will find it. Nurture that beauty by appreciating it, and it will grow. The love between you will deepen like a strong river, becoming more and more powerful over time. And those little things that used to bother you so much will seem not very important at all."

I'm thankful I feel a little braver, wiser and less immature now in dealing with my overemotional flows. I hope I can always improve like this.

And, I thank you so much for always being there for me, no matter what.

Under my ever-complaining steel mouth and act-tough exterior, deep in my heart please do know that I can't be grateful enough for your unconditional love to someone so prideful like me.

Your love's all I need. <3.

Same vicious cycle

2012-01-09T00:08:00.010+08:00

I want to love you but can't we take our own sweet time to our own sweet love? Why does your loving always have to break me? Seems to me that my love is pure and yours is not. You turn your love into an obsession that only overwhelms me. Everytime I tell you about it, you just feel insecure and cave in. I don't need someone who always caves in and needs reassurance. I need someone who knows me inside out, knows my needs, knows my insecurities as well too. How much do you know about me exactly... What do I like? What do I hate? What have you given me? Tears? You won't just sit beside me, and listen to what I have to say, getting to know who I really am, spiritually, emotionally... You perhaps just think I look beautiful and just want to unwrap me, like an attractive parcel presented to you with ribbons. Is this your definition of love? Can I not reassure you anymore when you're feeling sad? Because it seems to me you've turned your love for me into an obsession or possession somehow somewhere along. I feel used and weak. Perhaps we should just take a break and breathe.

whimsical

2012-01-04T01:43:00.005+08:00

(.)

2012. I wish for all my remaining dreams to come true...

In case you didn't know, my first dream is you, love. :)

O' holy night

2011-12-26T17:55:00.013+08:00

It's my most favourite season of all since young cause I love unwrapping presents and getting hugs from Santa. Now it's still my favourite cause it always feels so magical. This year's Christmas is my best one I've ever had. :) Sometimes, words just ain't enough to express how grateful I am to be blessed with so much love.

Also, regretting a few days before Christmas, when my mood was in a big mess, my mind filled with stress, all I knew to do was to rant and throw tantrums. Seriously, I'm terribly sorry for those whom I've hurt and exploded myself to. I really need to seek help in emotions management. They can't always just in forms of unfiltered outbursts...

Some of my lovely Christmas moments in pictures this year:

Favourite Christmas gifttttt! <3

Dearest person in my life :^)

All my precious girls that I've grown up with... :*)

Breakfast in Basque, Mexican, Turnisian, Canadian, English styles and etc served at Wild Honey, a cozy, homely corner that was impromptu-ly chosen for our Christmas eve celebration dining. Now it has in store one of my most magical Christmas moment in my life. :')

The view from The Sail @ Marina Bay, where one of my friends have booked a room at level 44 to celebrate Christmas at. Thank you so much! We're so blessed.

Still feeling the tingling warmth in my heart whenever I see you on my handphone background wallpaper. <3

& Though my wish to have a white Christmas has yet to come true, I've had a really merry Christmas, hope yours was a great one too.

Till next year's! ^^

Sometimes

2011-12-18T00:39:00.007+08:00

Dear me,

Sometimes, don't you wish you're a little smarter, or bolder, to be able to tell others how sad you feel without hurting them?

Sometimes, don't you wish that you don't have to pity youself being stuck in an unknown zone of misery where no one could reach or understand you?

Sometimes, don't you wish you could better manage your flood of emotions and imagination so that they won't overwhelm you?

Sometimes, don't you wish you could be a little less weaker and stop crying already?

Sometimes...

"Sometimes, I feel a little helpless.
Seems like I can't do a thing
But anything is possible
Just you wait and see
Good things happen
If you just believe..."

Well, hopefully.

Somehow, I find myself humming to this melody subconsciously.

Opposites

2011-12-06T21:02:00.004+08:00

(Forgot where's the source of this picture...)

But the guy represents my hubby; the girl me.

I, who's always emotionally-driven & impulsive, am always the one getting angry over the littlest things (but that could amount to alot more in future... just to reinforce my standpoint). In the end, in this special little relationship we have, I'm always the one crying over how I could have loved him better, how he could have understood me better, how much I'm missing him, or how much I've been loving him. I think my tears could drive him nuts. I am an extreme active water tap.

And he, who's always the emotionally calm one (or rather, too calm sometimes it drives me nuts as well) , would make adjustments for me, would appease me, would caress me down gently and say "I love you" just to make me smile. He would make silly jokes and out-of-point remarks that are mostly not even funny and that which make me even angrier, yet I still can't help but laugh at his endearing silliness in the end...

So I guess this is how it works, how opposites work...

As long as love is still around.

Love in its dullest

2011-12-01T23:29:00.001+08:00

A love story by someone who speaks to me & my love so much...

A Touching Story For Married People
~Unknown Author

My husband is an Engineer by profession, I love him for his steady nature, and I love the warm feeling when I lean against his broad shoulders. Three years of courtship and now, two years into marriage, I would have to admit, that I am getting tired of it. The reasons of me loving him before, has now transformed into the cause of all my restlessness. I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive when it comes to a relationship and my feelings, I yearn for the romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy. My husband, is my complete opposite, his lack of sensitivity, and the inability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about love. One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I wanted a divorce.

“Why?” he asked, shocked. “I am tired, there are no reasons for everything in the world!” I answered. He kept silent the whole night, seems to be in deep thought with a lighted cigarette at all times.

My feeling of disappointment only increased, here was a man who can’t even express his predicament, what else can I hope from him? And finally he asked me:” What can I do to change your mind?” Somebody said it right, it’s hard to change a person’s personality, and I guess, I have started losing faith in him.

Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered : “Here is the question, if you can answer and convince my heart, I will change my mind, Let’s say, I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff, and we both are sure that picking the flower will cause your death, will you do it for me?” He said :” I will give you your answer tomorrow….” My hopes just sank by listening to his response.

I woke up the next morning to find him gone, and saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting, underneath a milk glass, on the dining table near the front door, that goes….

My dear, “I would not pick that flower for you, but please allow me to explain the reasons further..” This first line was already breaking my heart. I continued reading. “When you use the computer you always mess up the Software programs, and you cry in front of the screen, I have to save my fingers so that I can help to restore the programs.

You always leave the house keys behind, thus I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you. You love traveling but always lose your way in a new city, I have to save my eyes to show you the way.

You always have the cramps whenever your “good friend” approaches every month, I have to save my palms so that I can calm the cramps in your tummy. You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom.

You always stare at the computer, and that will do nothing good for your eyes, I have to save my eyes so that when we grow old, I can help to clip your nails,and help to remove those annoying white hairs. So I can also hold your hand while strolling down the beach, as you enjoy the sunshine and the beautiful sand… and tell you the color of flowers, just like the color of the glow on your young face…

Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do… I could not pick that flower yet, and die.. ” My tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of his handwriting… and as I continue on reading…

“Now, that you have finished reading my answer, if you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside bringing your favorite bread and fresh milk…

I rush to pull open the door, and saw his anxious face, clutching tightly with his hands, the milk bottle and loaf of bread…. Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as much as he does, and I have decided to leave the flower alone…

That’s life, and love. When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness.

Love shows up in all forms, even very small and cheeky forms, it has never been a model, it could be the most dull and boring form... flowers, and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true love stands… and that’s our life… Love, not words, win arguments…

I'll bear this in mind, to remember there is still love even in its dullest.

Happy 5th monthsary to us, my dearest boy. :)

I'd do it all again

2011-11-14T01:43:00.002+08:00

Oh, you did it all again, you broke another skin.
It's hard to believe this time, hard to believe
That my heart, my hearts an open door...
You got all you came for, baby
So weary...

Someone to love is bigger than your pride's worth
Is bigger than the pain you got for it hurts
And outruns all of the sadness
It's terrifying, life, through the darkness
And I'd do it all again, I'd do it all again

I'd do it all again.

Aspire to make music like this... So right out from the heart, and all you can feel is the moment in the song from her voice & her expressions.

Awakening

2011-11-03T02:06:00.005+08:00

My sister & I had the longest talk in our history today and she told me all about my weaknesses in my personality especially in relationships. Being a Libra, she really gives a more objective and balanced approach to analyse things, people and me. It really clears up a lot of my subjective, deep thoughts that are so wrong yet I still didn't realise them.

Thank you sister for pin-pointing out all my weaknesses and for the first time, making my jaw drop and eyes widen as she accurately pointed out & explained so thoroughly, all my deepest fears and insecurities, one by one...

Fourth

2011-10-31T01:34:00.006+08:00

I'm just a stranger, even to myself.
A re-arranger of the proverbial bookshelf.
Don't be a fool girl, tell him you love him.
Don't be a fool girl, you're not above him.

I never thought I could love anyone but myself.
now I know I can't love anyone but you.
You make me think that maybe I won't die alone.
Maybe I won't die alone.

Though I always expect much of myself, I'd never expected myself to so generously love.

I'm really not so courageous in love. I'm insecure. I'm imperfect. I'm self-obsessed. I'm selfish. And I'm not sorry. I always love myself first. The world has taught me not to trust anyone but myself. So I'm not as sincere as how you first decide to give your love to me so willingly like a silly fool. I'm not as deserving to be loved as how you think I may be.

But somehow all that we've been through, you've really made me feel like I can love you.

And I want to.

And now I love you more than anyone else, believably, even more than myself.

Thank you so much, my dearest, for loving me for me. :)

4th.

My Love

2011-10-31T01:17:00.002+08:00

如果你被她傷得很痛
請感謝她好心折磨
如果你對她感到愧疚
請感謝她慷慨淚流

在我們相遇相愛之前
多虧有她讓你成熟

"If you have ever been hurt by her so deeply,
please be thankful for she's once cared to torture you
If you have ever felt guilty because of her
please be thankful for her generous tear flows

Before we have met and have fallen in love,
thank god for her to make you mature as who you are today."

We all have a past and although some people in our past may not be walking through our life with us in the present of future, we still ought to be thankful for them for being part of our lives.

Whether they may be to us, memories we love to keep forever, or memories we wish we could forget but couldn't...

Everything happens for a reason.

Guess this is something that I need to learn well too. :-)

Back To You

2011-10-29T01:43:00.003+08:00

The more extraordinary you feel you've become, the more you should remember the art of being the oridinary you that is just, you, right from the beginning.

Someone told me this today. Nothing could describe the pure light I see in his eyes when he told me this. I was just wondering, how much have he really gone through to say such words, with such happy tone & great wonder? It really brightens up my day to know there's still people like him around.

Strangers like him make me feel that the world is a pretty happy place to be in.

I've seen so many thinking they're the cooler ones, the greater ones in society, somehow they forgot that ordinary side of them. They lost touch of them, and they lost their good old friends. To them, the past may be something they wouldn't even wanna go back. But it is not because the past is ugly, but because they think it is.

It's so hard to lose sight of yourself these days, if you don't keep in touch with your true self.

And yes, what happened in the past, how you're born, where you're born from, and the people you've once met in your life shapes who you are right now today. They're not really something you can delete them off like words on your Microsoft Word document.

I guess I'm perhaps more in touch with mine because I love thinking and reflecting alone. I find it one of the happiest thing to do in the world. :-)

Just some random thoughts in my mind...

Anyways, I've been in sucha great mood recently. Someone knows why. ;-)

Have a great weekend, folks!

Towards

2011-10-28T01:15:00.001+08:00

No sweeping exits, or offstage lines
Can make me feel bitter, or treat you unkind.

Hide And Seek

2011-10-24T16:24:00.002+08:00

(.)

It doesn't feel like it's ever been me.

Drop-off point

2011-10-24T15:33:00.002+08:00

(.)

When I am more than you can take, just give me back.

Back of the mind

2011-10-15T02:03:00.005+08:00

She's my favorite, after all these years, apart from so many others.

I really don't know how people can forget her and how people can't see that she's clearly amazing. It always leads to me to question, do people really just come and go these days? It's becoming a really sad world.

I still have her tracks playing on my train or bus trips all these time and I refuse to delete them away from my playlist and replace them with newer, popular ones. 'Cause some songs... you can't just erase them away like that. They hold such great meaning to you, your life, your experiences, past or present. She's one of the type of amazing that perhaps takes time to realise and not right in the face.

I feel, like, in these days, we're just too quick to judge, decide, change... and we're moving so quickly and so fast. But y'know, some things you just don't wanna change... and I think she's just one of those.

I really just hope she'd make a successful comeback that she deserves. Music needs to be redefined, to have at least, something closer to the heart like this. Hope there's more people who could recognise her talent, and her heart.

Ghost

2011-10-05T23:34:00.011+08:00

[.]

If you're reading this, you must be one of the few of the millions in this world I'm living in that truly loves & cares for me, or you must be a random visitor, or maybe you could have been a stalker.

Recently I've been living like empty shell. At home I'd rather be left alone to do some work, but more often left deep in my thoughts and leaking tears in the end. In school there isn't anyone I can really talk to. Sure, we can talk about concepts and lecture and theories taught, I've paid more attention to the lecturer than anyone else because I probably don't have anybody else or anything else that interests me enough to distract me. If only there's someone or something distracting enough, if given a chance there is, I would so love to not live so seriously and cautiously and get distracted by it. Why must I feel this way? I have no idea as well. I wish to have absolute, precise answers but I just can't find reasons. It's not my forte to use any form of logic to find any scientific answers. How I wish I could. Cause it's tiring, to only hold on to what you're supposed to hold on to, with such little strength I could muster, but not really exactly the most important thing you would kill to hold on to, with all you could, & forever. I'm so tired, my soul's so tired, I can feel it in my bones and it feels like everyday I'm only dragged to live this way, with my unwilling body..., yet this heart beating is still strongly holding on to live well because of the people around me who still love me, care for me, and expect so much of me.

And with my undying, tired soul, how I long for someone's shoulders to weep and lie and rest for even just a moment, to relieve me...

How I wish I could have you to hold on to now...

Walls down

2011-09-29T01:58:00.003+08:00

I know that the bridges that I've burned along the way, have left me with these walls and these scars that won't go away. Opening up has always been the hardest thing... until you came.

I love when you tell me that I'm pretty when I just wake up, and I love how you tease me when I'm moody, but it's never too much. I'm falling fast, but the truth is I'm not scared at all, 'cause you've climbed my wall.

So lay here beside me, just hold me and don't let go. This feeling I'm feeling is something I swear I've never known before...

And I just can't take my eyes off you.

Happy third monthsary soon, dearest. I love you all the same as ever. <3

Be safe abroad, & come home soon. I'll be waiting.

Forgiveness

2011-09-28T00:04:00.004+08:00

(.)

Someone made me realise that I'm not all that perfect, not all that noble. Who am I to think that I'm the greatest just because I believe so much in myself, always thinking I'm well-guided doing the right things? Someone's awakened me in a way I never would expect and that makes me feel so ashamed of myself. How selfish and self-absorbed I could be in my own thoughts and neglecting others in those moments.

Dear lord, thank you so much for letting me realise that I need to learn to forgive.

Thank you for saving me from nearly being lost in my thoughts & nearly losing the one whom I love so dearly.

Thank you for reminding me nobody's perfect.

Midnight bottle

2011-09-19T03:38:00.003+08:00

I miss you so, love.

Very much.

In the name of love

2011-09-11T01:31:00.000+08:00

Maybe we may not be suitable for each other, for things we do hurt one another & hurt ourselves so deeply, time and time again.

Maybe we just need to learn to love better, else we shouldn't have even agreed to love each other in the first place.

What may seems like the sweetest journey in the world, can be such a painful series of experiences that cut and pierce through you... knowing you will always never be good enough, knowing things somehow always clash between us, and never once work out well at all.

What may seem like your most important person to you, who loves you the most regardless of what shit you've become, may turns out to be the one that hurts you the most, even they have absolutely no intention to hurt you so.

But what people always said, if you don't get hurt, that's not love at all.

But sometimes it's hard to keep up, be courageous to say I'm fine. Sometimes it's hard to take and hold on to, and sometimes it's so hard to even breathe... with you around.

It's so much easier to just let go and break up and be freed.

Do you always have to be responsible for the hurt you're inflicting to yourself and others, even indirectly or unintentionally inflicted hurt, for the name of love?

To hold on to it till the end... till it snaps, & till love separates to its dead end?

But then again, would we ever be freed when we are conscious that we've been hurt, and we've hurt someone? or would we always live in their shadows?

How much would you give in the name of love?

How much more does it take to believe you?

田馥甄 - 我對不起我

2011-09-06T02:09:00.000+08:00

爱给了我什么? 没沉沦就超脱.
爱不能伤害我, 还是我没爱过?
我没做错什么, 却把一切错过 ... ...
你是爱不起我, 我也对不起我.

没事了. 没事吗?

坚强得太寂寞.

Damn you, my ugly mouth

2011-09-05T14:21:00.000+08:00

Why is it always the ones we love we try and hide, and give our laughter to perfect strangers?

Why oh why did I say those words when I saw your face and the way it hurt, I couldn't stop it.

Do you think I enjoy this? Oh no... Please don't confirm it. It's not truthful.

My ugly mouth. Damn those words that come out. Don't dare point the finger, don't accept the consequence, it's not my fault...

How relatable.

BFF

2011-09-05T11:45:00.011+08:00

"I'm the queen of the day"

'Fore you left for HK on your post-poly trip.

@ my performance at Stardust vocals 2011.

People always laughing at our height difference, hurhur!

We're both scaredy cats of fireworks booming sounds.

To Changi Airport.

Some random act cute mood we got into at FEP.

So young & cute at Starbucks

Omg, our ancient classic.

***

Another greatest form of love on earth - the best friends' love.

She's always there for me no matter how ugly I've become, how bad my situation can be, and she lets me know she'll be there whenever she can be, and makes me feel safe to know I have a true friend to count on, one who never judges, never gives me up, and always listens me no matter how ridiculous I may be. It's a love more trustable than romance love to me, for we so often judge, expect, impress and get so hurt way too much in BGR love, like in dramas. But friends will always be there forever, in all aspects of our lives, before your crushes, after your crushes, after your break-ups, after your beloved's death, after you became a third party, after you betrayed someone and regretted the god damn hell of it, after your dramas, after your failures, well, just some sample scenarios... true friends will always be there. We don't always have to meet up once in every weekend or more to keep this bond because we already know we'll always have each others' back all the time, unlike BGR love we'll always have to fulfill our physical intimacy, which can get tiring and tough if circumstances do not permit.

Thank you so much for always being there, Joo! Thank you for tolerating my nonsense and thank you for always the only one to laugh at my bad jokes and all my comically, dramatic, almost-like-a-drunkard antics, acting like I'm high sometimes. (Well, I'm naturally high, actually) It really seems like you're the only one who knows how to appreciate this crazy, real me, and thus making me comfortable to be in my real form, and love me for who I am. I bet only you, Ange & Ade understand this characteristic of mine - but maybe Ade & Ange don't love all of my craziness as much as you do, y'know? I'm a Cancerian, I can sense it well ;) & I know you love me very much, hehe. & I wanna say I love you back so soooooo much too! <3

Happy 20th birthday, I hope you'd loads fun. From sec school till now you're still my best friend, growing sexier each day!

But I hope someday a miracle could happen, and you can grow taller... even just a bit. (Ok but you wouldn't be so cute and cuddly as you're now if you get taller, hehe)

So, end of my love post for you. I love you, Joo. I do. Our friendship of 7 years is unbeatable! ;)

Quick, put a friendship ring on my finger, and write our names on it in blood. Ignore the Beyonce's annoying "Single Ladies" song, lolol.

"If you like it then you shouldn't put a ring on it..."

Bullshit.

Meow!

Home

2011-08-31T09:35:00.010+08:00

"I wanna be in a cute relationship. The one where you sleep over each others' houses, together, not for sex but just to be with them. The ones where there's always honesty and no secrets lying around. The ones where the person means the world to you, no matter what happens. I'd love to have a relationship like that."

A friend of mine posted this on Facebook, and... I'm just so grateful that I'm in one of this exact type of r/l like this right now. :) I feel so loved all the time, so blessed, so brave to love with all my ways & to take faith to be honest with him even with all my ugly angsty emotions, insecurities & imperfections...

I must confess it started out difficult for me to open up at first, for entrusting someone completely to take hold of my heart would make me so, so vulnerable and breakable. I've been too comfortable and used to being strong & independent for so long. But now, I'm okay, & I could say I'm finally starting to understand how it really feels to completely love someone...

And when you cradle me gently, wrapped in your arms, I'm home.

Happy 2nd monthsary to us soon, Cuptart Soapbarella <3 :)

(since 01.07.2011)

一，二，少过三

2011-08-16T17:01:00.003+08:00

以前的我，最不想长大后成为没有志气的家庭主妇。

青年时期的我仍然志气满满，只顾虑到自己和梦想。

现在的我，还简直不敢相信自己为了。。。。。。还下定决心要学会煮好吃的。

爱情，真的是。。。。。。

:)

Half full

2011-08-08T23:33:00.007+08:00

Y'know how I always used to be so sad when I say "Everything comes & goes, nothing stays for long..."?

Well, the people & the ideas surrounding me nowadays I believe have given more courage, and sorta moulded my perspective to be a lil different. You could say I'm happier now and I'm more confident to add on, "Everything comes & goes for a reason. Accept and let go. Be open, be brave."

Cause I guess life's like this. You won't know unless you try. You won't learn unless you're open to it. & You'd be amazed by the surprises life could offer as you live on...

I'm just slowly getting it... :-)

Hold on,

2011-08-02T10:03:00.006+08:00

I think that we're in the phase of much cultural changes in Singapore. In terms of language, in terms of expression, in terms of intimacy, all our concepts have vastly differed from the past's traditional norms. From the extreme views raised with regards to the recent "We fucking did it!" closing speech by the top student during NTU convocation day, to how teens view pre-marital sex as "casual", "something common" & even "cool" that I could personally feel that we, have changed from all the changing cultural influences around us, mostly injected by the Western values in Singapore.

Is it a good or bad thing? Or is it just an inevitable change?

Should we open up our minds more? & let the change flow freely? Or should we still put in place certain restrictions to our contemporary concepts, by staying more rooted to the traditional values?

Grey areas... So hard to strike a balance these days.

Fate

2011-07-27T23:43:00.000+08:00

Fate could be a miracle and fate could be a bitch. If everything happens for a reason, or if it's treason, would you still have the heart to forgive when the truth unfolds?

The camera

2011-07-21T14:41:00.004+08:00

Without the camera & without the lens, I wouldn't have been able to show people what I see, and sometimes I really love sharing great sights, and beautiful faces of my loved ones that I've took photographs of to the world.

Photographs capture the moments. I've came to understand it even more now... ever since I met you. You made those days when we're together special - and every day after that even more special with every gentle click on the photographs. Sometimes it's through looking back at these moments as I gaze at the photographs of memories that I've began to realise more & more how lucky I am as we got to know each other. :)

Even with a thousand and one different types of facial expressions you could give in the photographs, there's a comforting familiarity of your face & the warm vibe of yours that can never be replaced by another.

A million more photographs of you & us to go... ;-)

Love timer

2011-07-17T22:00:00.004+08:00

(.)

I think I'm such a cruel, honest lover sometimes.

Love is the biggest blessing one could ever have. To love someone so truly, and to have him to love you back the same way... it's sucha bliss. I hold it, embrace it and cherish it all I could as much as I have that moment because I know one day, it'll slip away...

I'm sorry but, as much as I want to have faith to think that love will last, all the real life experiences around me, and my background, tell me otherwise. It's hard to deny saying I would naively just ignore them, I'm not a kid anymore. Reality is too harsh, so many times...

But still, I'm a believer, of love.

But how selfless can true love be? How many of us have actually experienced the power of true love in their lives?

Only time could tell.

Into the wild

2011-07-15T11:32:00.003+08:00

I was just watching the film "Into The Wild", and it really inspires me alot. I was feeling really ill and frustrated this morning, and after watching this I just feel so refreshed, like I just have my morning cup of fragrant tea. My favourite one.

It really gives the word "freedom" & "love" a whole deeper new meaning. It makes me feel like I'm imprisoned right now by myself, by all my caged thoughts, by the standardised personality that I've been expected to follow. If only we could just open up, free our mind, & soul, would we be able to realise how much more we can give & receive. I know it sounds like a rosy picture of liberty & a free-spirited perspective of love & of life, but how many people actually even think about this in this world we're living in?

I wonder, sometimes I really wonder hard...

Breathe

2011-07-12T00:01:00.000+08:00

(.)

Holding my breath & counting to ten...

Vulnerability

2011-07-11T16:13:00.002+08:00

We are all built up from bones and blood. We're all vulnerable by nature. We guard and protect ourselves from getting hurt, but when someone comes in and makes you believe you could throw your guard off and let him or her take charge of you...

Would you still hold on to your guard, or let it go?

祝我生日快乐

2011-07-08T16:46:00.007+08:00

是我最近变得成熟了吗？

怎么生日快来临的我，好像都没有和以前一样，怀有小孩子般的天真的期盼。。。。。。

Believe

2011-07-07T17:55:00.004+08:00

The saying is indeed right, "People come and go". They can talk to you about how they'd like to share the rest of their lives with you and how much they love you now. They can promise you many things but fail to fulfill them. But you know what hurts the most? You actually believed them and one day when you stop talking to each other, you're left alone again, wondering to yourself "What happened?"

But when the next one comes in, I'll still choose to believe...

Alone times

2011-07-07T16:35:00.003+08:00

People who knows me always knows I need to take some time off being alone. Sometimes, I could just shut the whole world out & be with myself, like I'm in another world.

Sometimes being alone doesn't mean lonely. It is to be with me, my thoughts and my soul. There is a lot to think through, a lot of inner conversations going on and a lot of conclusions to come to terms with. Without essential alone times, no matter where I am, I think I would flip or crumble.

Without this, I don't think I would know how to love myself better, or love others.

& I love to spend my alone time reflecting & processing my thoughts near the water. The flow & sound of water seems to provide so much peace & tranquility.

Not sure about you readers, but I'm pretty sure alone times are a big big necessity in life. :)

For my silly tart

2011-07-04T00:34:00.010+08:00

1/7/2011

Actually, all along I always have this idealistic idea of love in the simplest form, but I never think so much about it because I thought 1) It's so hard to find in this materialistic world, 2) Only lucky people can find true love, 3) I'm quite unlucky most of the times (and lost in the real world, so can't find my way to true love...) & 4) I don't think I'm good enough to be a good girlfriend cos' of my temperament and imperfections, so no guy would probably want me/ dare to want me...

I still live believing in love (mostly in other forms), but for romance, I was a big, big sceptic.

Then... this silly little tart came along and sprinkled magic love dust all over me in his own ways. He doesn't even know how amazing he is :)

And that's why I love him. So honest & understanding & endearing.

You make me feel braver to love, and that love, exists. (Awww...)

& I just know my fairytale's gonna begin from that day... *throws confetti

Love, love, love you, my one & only.

Bless you everyday, & don't lose the innocence in your eyes...

Can't believe I actually found you & you found me & I'm typing this... for you :)

So grateful.

& This poem by Maya Angelou that I've always liked alot, so relevant for us.

Touched By An Angel - Maya Angelou

We, unaccustomed to courage
exiles from delight
live coiled in shells of loneliness
until love leaves its high holy temple
and comes into our sight
to liberate us into life.

Love arrives
and in its train come ecstasies
old memories of pleasure
ancient histories of pain.
Yet if we are bold,
love strikes away the chains of fear
from our souls.

We are weaned from our timidity
In the flush of love's light
we dare be brave
And suddenly we see
that love costs all we are
and will ever be.
Yet it is only love
which sets us free.

Devil in me

2011-06-18T01:35:00.004+08:00

You know how many people have come across my life path these days, telling me that the people in life will be so cruel to me, will only take advantage of me, and that I need to be cruel and fiery to fight for what I want?

It's not like I don't know this is a wicked, wicked world... I'm not a kid anymore.

& I try to be sharp and sensitive with what's going on around me.

But don't you think, sometimes people are so cunning it's hard to tell?

One last thing, it's just that I don't understand... Where are all the kind people then? Have they all got eaten up by the devils...

Or the devils in them?

Life's about living a passion.

2011-06-09T18:01:00.009+08:00

"All the hard work over the previous few years paid off. Discover and live your passion and the rest will just follow - it always does. Never give up. Don't make barriers for yourself and especially don't let barriers that other people put in your way stop you. Listen to your heart and forge forward."

I was reading Danny Choo's post on how discovering Japan changed his life.

http://www.dannychoo.com/post/en/26094/How+Discovering+Japan+Changed+My+Life.html

Respects to him for picking up Japanese language all by himself, purely driven by passion. Plus it was during the non-Internet period. With Internet these days when information are much easier to obtain, how many of us have the same tenacity and passion like Danny to pursue and learn what we want?

Or have we been spending time doing unnecessary things that others want out of us?

Though I know nothing about Japanese anime, Gundam or 2D girlies, his pursuit in life driven by passion inspires me so much. It is so relevant to me, seeing how he self-learned Japanese, then moved on to take advanced level Japanese courses in university, graduating with First Class Honors, and then working in Nature, AMZ... moving from UK to Japan to Seattle to Japan again. I can already picture my life something like his if I were to keep pursuing after my passion and dreams like this... Hehe :D

I envision my life direction to be global like his after completion of my UOL degree course (If all goes well). Can't wait for my Berklee College of Music life.

(I really love the UK/US lifestyle btw. But I need to go there soak in see and feel more to confirm my love.)

Hope all goes well... *prays hard*

Life is only just about to begin. :) How exciting.

Some pictures of a photoshoot for a friend's blogshop last few days...

Always wanted to learn photography. But I guess there's just too many things I want to learn.

My fave picture from the photoshoot. With the shopowner, Jaclyn's bear! Got a lot of "You look like Jessie J in Price Tag MV." comments, hehe.

Support her blogsite at: http://shoptan.sg. Really beautiful dresses sold there.

After the photoshoot, I have to come to terms that I am not a model material at all. Pretty tough to change poses here & there & still look good? Plus, I'm not pretty enough, and am not good at acting pretty too. & It's so tiring after changing in and outta so many clothes... plus I don't really like to wear dresses.

Haha okay I grumble too much... :/ But Jaclyn is still really very nice and patient enough to give us this opportunity to 'model' her clothes. If I were her and my models are like that I would show my *thunder* face already.

A trip down to Lasalle'11 Exhibition last weekend... seeing through the works of the students there is like watching dreams passing you by in solid forms. So much of brilliance in their ideas and so many promising works to help the world. Really inspiring :)

But the course fees there are like... vroooom. Mad high. Kids with fucking rich parents go there, or either that, save really hard... or are just damn blessed to be talented enough to get grants from government. Oh wait, are there grants?

Til a better week ahead!

USS Grand Opening

2011-05-31T18:24:00.008+08:00

I had this opportunity to perform in Universal Studios Singapore grand opening march parade last Saturday. My whole week (almost) is all about the rehearsals, till midnight. My gosh...and the guys whom I cabbed home with have to pay the cab fare first from USS to our homes before we get compensated back.

So anyways, I was just s'posed to help out in stuffs behind the scenes initially, but somehow I became one of the Rockafella dancer collaborating with the Street Boys in Philippines. (Link)

It's really an awesome experience learning and hearing more about them between rehearsals late at night, and together with four other Rockafellas, we're a performing team together for the grand opening ceremony.

Gotta thank NRA dancers & Evelyn from the USS management crew for the opportunity. And am thankful for all the new people and new experiences I could get from this :)

PICTURES.

& to end it off with a random video of us playing at USS after the opening ceremony performance. Yay to free access pass to USS from this too! :)

We're so childish... (laughs)

Hope you guys had a great weekend too, & great week ahead!

Growing up

2011-05-22T00:40:00.007+08:00

"So many times we've been only caring about our own scars and hurting, if we could only look around us, look into others' lives, sometimes, perhaps..., the unforgivable can be forgiven."

It's one week since exams have ended. I've been very much involved into music, trying out new songs and writing and working with new people that I've always wanted to. I don't wish to gain anything out of it..., in this process of music making, I know I just like to do it. & I'd so love to meet anybody we'd love to do this, music discovery journey thingy, as much as I do. If it're few years ago perhaps I wanted to gain some credits or hoped to grasp some fame out of it but no, I really don't care so much of these nowadays anymore.

& Somehow, the more I'm open to new people and new music, the more I feel enriched, both as a growing musician and as a person.

***

It's also, about time to accept that I'm a grown-up. And act like one. So many times I've been selfish to my own feelings and standpoint and hence all my childish antics causing so many people around me to hurt. It's about time to not only live for myself but also for the others around. Think about them, for them and not just for yourself. Sometimes by doing this, a simple gesture and kindness could mean so much. I've come to realise this from an accordionist I've recently met...my gosh, he's got such a heart I don't even know how to start describing.

Anyways, recently, I've got this friend who's become a young father. Congratulations friend! :) Though I don't know the full story, life's going to get harder and tougher for you to cope with raising a family and struggling with your studies. So please hang in there! I believe you can make a great father to your child, great husband to your wife, great student in school and a great friend to all of us! As a friend here, I'll try my best to be here for you in my little ways and wish you the best.

Taking a step back, I've finally realised how much I've grown. It feels pretty good, actually. To know how to deal with your own problems and others' too, though it comes with more responsibilities. It's a fact that I don't find it so sad afterall anymore, perhaps. Guess we'll just have to learn how to deal with it, one step at a time in our life journeys.

To all my friends who're abroad now for work or vacation, please be safe! You've all been missed by me...

Have a great weekend, folks! :)

Overly

2011-05-18T03:20:00.000+08:00

I'm either overly obsessive with myself, overly into something, overly honest, overly brutal or I'm overly, overly weak. I'm just never, ever, just right.

Summertime

2011-05-13T03:06:00.000+08:00

SCHOOL'S OUT, THE SUN IS SHINING! ☼

Did my revision, did my papers, and I'm so done! :D Year 1 of my university's finally over...'til Year 2 after this summer break! I'm so hyped & stoked right now. I can't wait to enjoy this holiday! Summer holiday's my faveeeeeee season to soak in more sunshine and summer love!

Have a great summer! ;)

Academic motivation

2011-05-10T14:40:00.005+08:00

I may not come from a SAP school or a prestigious girl's school or college. But I know what it means to study hard and study smart and get good grades, especially, in Singapore.

Having to be in SIM-UOL this year is not my first choice, but it's not my last choice either. I'd rather be doing what I'm doing now than to accept the offers that NTU & SMU had given me years back as they ain't even close to something I'd like to, or find it useful for myself to spend 3-4years of time studying it.

Studying in SIM sure is interesting. The people here, the culture, are all really interesting. There are those really hardworking ones, trying to prove that they can be better and that it was NUS or NTU's loss to reject their enrolment back then, or maybe they're just motivated individuals. Those who work just to upgrade themselves in their current jobs. There are those who attend lectures just to sleep, or enjoy the aircon. There are those who just come, tap their student cards for attendance's sake, and then leave after that, planning to do self-revision, or to run away from the lecturer whom they think is not very efficient in teaching. & There are just some who come to socialise and flirt with the opposite gender. Seriously, the non-hardworking ones constitutes a larger proportion of the population in what I've observed... and it's so easy to get influenced by them.

I'd say I'm a motivated person by nature. And if I want to do something, I would do my best to do them well. I don't see there's anything that I cannot do if I have the drive to try and do it. If not, what is the point of doing it? Trial and error? To see if you make it? No?! Don't tell me you're paying about $8K a year of school admission fees + exam fees to try your luck... Don't waste your own time and other people's time if you don't want to do your best.

I realise during exam periods, time flies really fast. There's just too much too do, too little time.

Yet seeing some of my friends so unmotivated really gets me wondering, why on earth are they not studying? Those who feel that they should already give up at this point in time as they have not even started revising since long ago should be the ones working the hardest instead, for even the simplest excuse of laziness cannot even be valid for them to use... And I lose respect easily to lazy people. Life is not to be taken for granted, and you cannot afford to be lazy at such critical times...

I may seem very nice to keep encouraging them by saying "Keep going!", "Don't give up!"... not because I am a nice person or that I see potential in them or whatever hello? But it's what I feel that that's the least I can do for them...

'Cuz for some people, perhaps, they just don't know where to get their motivation from... and from my own experience, I understand once motivation is lost, it's so hard to get it back. (Like duh, who hasn't been lazy before right?) & it's really sad to see those unmotivated souls wasting time and life away like that...

and maybe $8K, too... even if you're rich, you know money is not unlimited.

and life & time is definitely not unlimited.

So please people, make the best out of it. Stay motivated! The reason why some people can make it to great schools is not entirely because they're smart, it's because they're motivated... and they can be motivated as they're driven by their passion, fear, goal or responsibilities to want to do well.

Action speaks louder than words. & It's the attitude that drives action.

Dreaming on

2011-04-24T01:01:00.000+08:00

"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live."

Dad told me today dreams are transitory... and I think I already know that, just that it sort of came across to me as a reminder when he mentioned it, making me realise that maybe I might have forgotten that dreams are not permanent.

But it doesn't matter.

Out of so many dreams I've once had, have and are now currently embracing...

My biggest dream is all about music!!!

I can say for sure this is really what I want in life, what I'm born for. Though there might have been many things and many people that have/had once made me think otherwise. At many points of time in my life, many incidents have always brought me back to this... and I'm always back to fervently chasing after this dream.

Really can't see what I'm gonna do and die happy in my life if I'm not doing this or anything related to this.

Sigh, when will I ever be able to reach the standards, to have the opportunity, to have the power to take on the world stage to perform & sing?

When could I ever strike the perfect balance in my current life obligations & my pursuit of my dreams right now?

When can I...?

I may be only 19, but I'm not young anymore... right?

Oh well.

Though I may not have it all right now, and I know I'm still lacking so damn much, still so young and so ignorant, I'm really happy with the life I have now, both studies (though stressful...) & some music shows/collaborations here & there for me. :)

& The best part? The love from my friends.

Life's still good! ☼

Stardust 2011

2011-04-19T02:27:00.010+08:00

Stardust 2011 hosted by NUS Business School.

"Hi! My name is Foo Yu Min, you may call me Fym in short. I'm gonna sing you a song today called 'I love you' by Avril Lavigne." *My voice shivers a little as I swallowed my saliva*

THANKS AH! SO MANY OF YOU, MY DEAR GOOD FRIENDS, MAKING FUN OF ME WITH MY CLASSIC LINE THAT DAY ONSTAGE THESE DAYS.

-______-"

I'm sure most of you already heard about my recent good news, I've got into semi-finals for Stardust 2011 vocals solo competition. Was stunned at first coz I heard the competition was quite tough... and then next I was stoked already, hahaha! The thing that got me very excited for this is I get to perform a song onstage at Scape warehouse for the first time! :D The last time I felt the stage was fabulous was because of the lights & sound effects I watched from Oschool Dance Recital 2010.

But...the excitement died down after I performed because I realised the sound system there was pretty muffled? Sigh :( Never mind! I still had a lot of fun nevertheless, both onstage performing, & offstage photo-taking sessions with you guys (hehe) & hanging around with the other contestants. Yeah! It's a pleasure to meet so many new, talented, fantastic people. So amazing how music brings people together ;)

Anyways, it was still a nerve-wrecking experience for me despite me performing & singing at so many different places for so long already... Sigh! I know right. I always can't get over this too. I can't help but notice the judges looking at me y'know... Maybe I just don't like the feeling of singing to compete. I'll always feel the stress. There's this expectation for me and I'll usually be really afraid I can't meet it. But yeah anyway, facing the audience & my friends' cute faces make me feel better - you know who you are! :D

Thank you so much for those who came down specially to support me! Loads love to y'all. Y

But lastly, please show your love to me till the end k! Vote for me I think... via online @ Official Stardust 2011! I don't wanna sound too desperate (hehe :P) and I don't really like the idea of voting etc too because hmmm, it kinda feels like a popularity race at times but still, your votes would make me happy! :)

P.S. I know I may not be the best singer and I may not win this but I'm glad I did my best and I'm so glad so many of you all love it and believe in my voice that could bring me to further places in future. I'm totally surprised I've got new faces whom I never met before coming up to me, telling me "You're awesome!" either via online messages or on that place itself. So thankful... really don't know what else to express my gratefulness. Hehe! Thank you all, I feel so blessed sometimes. This day felt so surreal as I'm typing away right now... The bottom line is the only thing I know is I love singing and writing lyrics and expressing myself through my voice. So I'll keep doing what I feel I could do best. And I hope you all will keep supporting me too, of course! :)

Okay this is getting draggy. As always, I'm really a drag queen. Shall end here! Even if I didn't get into finals, I've no regrets at all already! ;)

Sayonara baby!

Breakthrough

2011-04-02T14:40:00.005+08:00

Impressions. Expressions. Confessions. So many things happened these days. But I'm so glad these things happened in these ways and I'm thankful for each. Somehow I'm glad I always go according to my feelings even though I know it may not the best, most rational approach as feelings are deceiving and they may as well just be temporary. But I think no matter how small, it's important to acknowledge them, no matter they're sort of dramatised or just a growing bit of it - because they're still there. I've also come to terms realising how each of us are interrelated in the big, wide world we're living in, and no matter how small our decisions & choices are, they are somehow gonna affect the people around us.

I should also, for goodness sake, learn how not to be so selfish anymore in making certain decisions. Because I'm not the only one who's gonna be affected by whatever moves I make in life. And I should learn how to stop saying 'Sorry's for doing this and that, but instead, learn to control my outburst & outlets of emotions. I need to be more mature and more rational, in short. I need to learn how to control my feelings and my thoughts really.

It's a big, big world. But somehow, I don't feel it's that big anymore. :)

Xtremes

2011-03-31T04:09:00.005+08:00

I'm always on the extremes. Some things just never change, as if they've already been deeply ingrained in me since long time ago. I didn't know. I thought I could still change. I thought I should. But it doesn't matter, because it doesn't feel like I could anymore.

I'll always be. Or I'll never be. Even if it's meant to get myself hurt. I don't care anymore.

Walls & bridges

2011-03-20T01:27:00.002+08:00

I always try to build bridges, to reach out to people, to love, and love more... But sometimes there'll be something that's stopping me, telling me I shouldn't always give my all to every single one I meet. May I know what are you, this stopping force in me?

Is it me, or is it you, that's stopping me?

2011 Sendai Earthquake

2011-03-13T16:14:00.003+08:00

[Source: GML Photography]

Somehow I feel these disasters occur for a reason, to bring people closer, to make us believe in humanity, especially for the cynics, and make us believe the so-called idealistic universal love for people still exist. Maybe I am wrong. But even if the world is ending, maybe I’m not so afraid anymore. We’re all going to die one day, anyway. But let’s help each other live longer right now, those who need to live to support the young especially...

Those in Japan, please be safe. You're in my prayers.

Black Swan

2011-02-28T00:13:00.003+08:00

Her look in those eyes. So distant from us, as if the only thing that matters is the perfection of the portrayal of both her roles in White Swan and Black Swan, as the Swan Queen... despite her physical pain and her mental & psychological pressure.

Natalie Portman's so into her role in this film, she's really such an amazing, amazing actress. This scene is my favorite of all time. Pure brilliance.

It really makes one wonder when would our White Swan moments, and Black Swan moments be as intense & dramatic in our own lives. It teaches me how great a performing spirit can be, & definitely enlightens me once again that the greatest enemy in the whole wide world is not others, but myself.

Where am I now?

2011-02-24T04:42:00.002+08:00

I really, really understand. It's a different era now, an era to learn about yourself and grow up knowing what you want. Not an era like in the past when so many people are all forced to get a degree and get a stable job, and you follow suit. I don't want a stable job, knowing what I have to do every single day. I want a job full of surprises and working with different amazing people. I want a job which puts me and my talents & capabilities in the limelight. & No. I don't want to follow you and your safer route anymore, I'm sorry. I'm insane, call me that if you want. But I want to fall down and cry and learn to grow. If everything's so safe I won't grow. If everything's gonna be tough, then wouldn't doing stuffs you dislike so much gonna be the toughest (and meaningless, too) ? & It's not that I don't respect academic qualifications anymore, I respect education a lot. BUT, I really feel like I'm so swept off by it, at a bloody wrong track now and there's pretty much no one with me to make it feel better.

My music pursuit;

2011-02-24T02:54:00.007+08:00

(.)

Haters always gonna hate, even when you're awesome, they'll still hate. Somehow many people become so in love with throwing rocks at things that shine. (Hey, no, babe, no. Not saying that I shine, and you don't, you sensitive soul.) So why bother being obsessed to satisfy them?

Be yourself, make mistakes. But be humble, take & learn. That's what I've learnt all these years...

I may not be a wonderful singer, or songwriter, or guitarist, or performer a year ago, or many years ago, and maybe till now I still may be so far from it. Friends and haters who saw me perform before when I was younger than today would probably think I should just shut the fuck up, and get my ass off the glorious stage, but yeah of course, friends would tell me that nicely. Haters boo-ed & screamed & secretly passed messages to whoever they think who are cooler than me, telling them what a piece of shit I was then, telling them how seriously I should stop pretending like I could perform, telling them how I was such a thick-skinned loser & b*tch (seems like they forgot to look at themselves when they said that.)

Yet, I think I was stupidly agreeing with them that time. I thought, and guessed, and considered so much, thinking they might be true, because of my lack of experience, and maybe even, lack of talent. But no, after awhile I realise this hating affair happens all the time, even to some of my really talented friends who could perform really well. There's bound to have haters at each corner of a cheering crowd. It's just so upset to know there's such people around, so fast at judging people, so quick to think they're right, so efficient to pass these notes down and spread the hate to the world.

But after stopping for awhile, something in me told me "Why should I stop?" I already know my only way to explode all my outlet of emotions is through my voice, through my guitars and keyboard, my instruments and all my barang barangs, through music. Although I always dream about being an international singer-songwriter and performer... and then always hold back thinking why I am so goddamn unrealistic, sometimes I really feel like I am born for it. But somehow I also know I'm not up to my best standards yet. But anyway, it is always the 'something in you' that keeps me going, that fearless voice in your heart that tells you your improvement is the thing that always matters the most, and going against that voice is like going against yourself.

Some musicians I've worked with would say "The audience don't care whether you're tired, or whether you've tried hard enough. They only care whether you rock, or you suck, so you better make yourself rock. (If not, get lost.)" So fucking true right? But I love the current few musicians whom I'm working with, always telling me "Screw the haters, do they know what's our music? We are ones rocking the shit man." They always made my day :) It's just a slight difference in the vision, but it already makes so much more sense to me. It's this happier tone in my current perspective that encourages me what making music should be all about. No stress, just have fun. Spread the love, and truly enjoy it. Let my hair down, let the creative juices flow as I write & play & go all rock n' roll...

Musicians & performers all over the world, can you feel me, feel what I'm saying right here?! Someone please tell me I ain't the only one thinking this way...

Sometimes I wonder, whether it's just me, who work better alone doing my own thing with my music & all my instruments, without much constraints or worries, and not y'know, getting signed to a record deal and getting stressed over writing new lyrics & creating new melodies for new songs to suit the demand or to be cool and famous within the deadlines given to me. Maybe, it's just me, who loves to take my time to let things develop naturally...

Well, whatever. Taking one step at a time, whenever I feel the good mood to. Seems like the best deal for me right now, perhaps.

& If I were to be considered I'm right now on the track of the pursuit of a true musician, guess I still have a long, long journey...

Be happy

2011-02-20T23:25:00.005+08:00

Dear diary,

Sometimes, it's not that I want to notice, but I can't help to notice it. There's three types of people in the world. First; the kind who will be happy for others when others are happy. :) Second; the kind who will be unhappy for others when others are happy, but they won't show it, maybe because they still want to befriend the person, make themselves look favourable to the person... Third; the kind who will be unhappy for others when others are happy, and they honestly show it, well... not a bad thing to be honest, but sometimes honesty may be a little brutal, and it hurts.

I wonder how many people in this world are the first kind of people, who'll be genuinely happy for others when they're happy? Not having a thought of jealousy? Not when they're better than you, in any way? Or took something or someone you love away from you?

I guess there aren't many, well, I mean truthfully speaking. It's a practical world, and people get jealous really easily once you're better than them in one way or another. They fight and fight, climb and climb, with all their might and all their lives, hoping and wishing they'll become the best and you'll become second... but truly, what exactly is the best? Will you really be happy when you're the best?

Have you ever thought, sometimes it ain't the best to be the best? The most popular, the most wealthy, the most beautiful, the most talented, the most capable... Sometimes, don't you wish you could just be a normal, average person, who can find happiness in the common things in life? After all, isn't these little things in life that make us happy? (Because up till now, I still think so.)

Some people told me, the more you gain, the more you lose. Can I not gain anything much then, and not lose any of my happiness, & my friends' happiness right now? All I want is everyone I love to be happy. I don't want things to change, or get complicated. I'm too afraid to be greedy, actually. Although sometimes I do question myself, how can everyone be happy when happiness isn't unconditional? Plus the older we get, the more things we want. Sometimes, these things overlap with your friends' too. And these things are limited. So, in the end, would we all still be happy together?

If only, this world we live in is an innocent little world, & we're all innocently happy beings. But I guess, I'm just way, way, way too idealistic.

But still, spread the love. Stay happy, folks! :)

Different, different, but same.

2011-02-17T02:31:00.002+08:00

(.)

Because aren't we all the different kind of same? Liking the same of all beautiful stuffs, dreaming the same type of dreams, labelling people with the recycled stereotype tags, saying the same formatted strings of words to make ourselves seem favourable, following the laid-out road paths ahead of us in our lives despite other riskier routes to take, worrying over the same fears of loneliness, and more...

Even if I choose to refuse, to not be like anyone else, how different can I actually be?

Perhaps, just an inch bit of boldness. To make that little difference.

This is how similar we all can be...

My love, my valentine.

2011-02-14T03:40:00.005+08:00

Deep down, I'm looking for someone who can match up to my intensity and tenacity, someone who can accept my unpredictable twists of thoughts and my sudden outbursts of emotions, my stubborn-ness, my egoistical personality, my impractical dreams, my hysterically loud laughter at times, my off-pitched singing, my unsexy dance moves, my brutal honesty, my crude unfunny jokes, my ridiculous ignorance (or innocence, you might name it this way), my thirst to learn everything & travel to everywhere in the world, all of my shortcomings, and yet still love me as who I am? Ha, anyone?

So far, no one has stayed long enough with me to fit the bill, or at least that's what I think so. Many times I'm still left alone to cry over shit that has been done to me that ain't caused by myself, when I was in love. I'm pretty sure it's not always my fault & I'm pretty sure I know what is the definition of compromising and tolerance when it comes to commitment. Well, even if, I'm saying if, anyone could fit the bill, how do we tell if they really know love? Oh wait, do I really know love in the first place? If not, who am I to list down all my love ideals and judge anyone in any way?

Till I get a better idea of what exactly love is, happy valentine's day to those who're already sweetly and deeply in it! Have a great one :)

XOXO.

Over-dominance

2011-02-09T15:11:00.006+08:00

(.)

Dominance exists when one has control and is exerting control on others. Or should I say one who's being able to influence? Because a person who controls may not necessarily be able to influence, though mostly it is true. Too much of it would be overpowering and would undermine others.

& I confessed. I tend to take on a more dominant persona when approached with people who're pretty much indecisive, direction-less or just pretend to be the happy-go-lucky, dilly-dallying sort - who are usually the boys who like to act childish & nonchalant about the world- right? (Oops, but true right? :P ) Well, many of my boy- & girl- friends told me this is normal? For it is normal for girls to be more controlling than guys because we girls are just controlling in a sense that without control, we'd become insecure easily? However, the guys naturally don't really like to control or care or give a heck too much because they'd probably feel they have a lot of responsibilities to take care of? So why must they give so much hoot about everything?

& I think, it's actually kinda true! Which is why sometimes I'd like to be a guy too - because I don't really pretty much wanna give a heck about almost every single thing and person too, isn't it tiring to care so much? Just lead your own life, have fun with all your friends and loved ones and be nice? Just...everyone's happy and I'm happy, isn't this simple & awesome? Why make things so complicated? I don't wanna care who's happier in whatever sense, because what's the point? & There you go, looking at other people being happier than you, then ending up you cant really see that you can be happy too. So how? Get jealous? Throw tantrum? Make those who love you unhappy? Why do it in the first place? ...But girls, sigh. Still, girls would always give a little bit more heck about who's happier and do comparisons and do extra stuffs like these and maybe...that's why we get jealous over small trivial things that boys don't ever understand? (Ya I admit I used to be like this before that & even sometimes now. So guilty of it, I'd slap myself.)

No wonder some quotes once say: "Happiness is a choice."

Well, so here's to both boys & girls. Maybe it's time to reflect, learn how to strike a balance in this & not care so much over insignificant things anymore but only care about those who and which matter much to you! :)

Lunar New Year

2011-02-07T02:11:00.007+08:00

(.)

平时，在我日记簿里我都是用华语把心里话一一写出。

突然间，在这几乎没人观看的Blog上，我也想用华语来和自己沟通，就像现在。毕竟华语对我而言，是个比较有亲切感的语言。（这种亲切感，在我心里远远胜过English啊。）

今年 2011 年的农历新年对我来说，意义不同。我似乎比较能够感受到家的意义。

了解我的人，都知道我性格古怪。虽然外向却不喜欢跟着大家的意思走，不喜欢被别人的思想牵连着。这几年来，我都是花比较多的时间与我的“亲朋狗友“们共处的，哈哈！在和他们相处的时间之间，我从不在乎家人到底有没有在关心我。2010年我自己出了国，很drama地解释说我要去寻找我的自由和方向。连我自己都觉得我干吗要那么恶心，用那么诗情画意的方式去解释的时候，爸爸竟然接受我自己首次出国到海外去的想法。我知道我爸爸真酷，但也没想到他会这么这么的酷啊！若我当妈妈了，孩子对我说这种话，我想我还是会不放心，不舍得的不让他去吧。虽然他心疼我也心疼，但至少他在我身边我能自私地看着他知道他好安全好安全，好让我安心。天啊！我爸超酷的好吗，我当时才十八岁，而且我自己都知道我性格冲动、又固执，又笨手笨脚的最厉害闯祸，但他竟然还选择相信我够成熟。感动啊！是一种从亲爱的爸爸中得到了信任和肯定的一种满足感让我好感动！很深奥吧。:D 自从那一次，我做的每一件事，心中都会有考虑到爸爸的想法，从他的观点，看我周围的人、事、物。难怪最近朋友都说我思想变成熟多了。:) 也许是因为有了新观点，去享受今年新年的习俗，让我觉得原来我背后一直都有这么一个默默支持我的家人，对我永远都不离不弃。这，也许就是为什么今年过年对我来说含有着不同意义。：）

还有，很重要的。我发现很多新加坡的华人朋友们都还是不喜欢讲华语。我觉得好可惜，真的。不是在于它到底是不是个酷的语言，而是在于你够不够酷能用它。喂！别忘笨啊。Once a Chinese, always a Chinese. 华人传统的血在你的脉里流着是个永远改不掉的事实，但你觉得它不够酷当你的母语绝对只是暂时性的。如果你是one of them, well, 希望你快点发现华语的美吧！

天啊我好啰嗦，写了这么多？！

祝愿大家，兔年快乐！Happy Lunar New Year! :)

Puppets

2011-02-05T01:44:00.003+08:00

(.)

I know. I'm easy to tell. I'm so gullible. That I believe in every single person every single bird and every single thing that I meet. That I'm god damn innocent. That I'm god damn oblivious of your evil thoughts. That I could only be too naive to only see the good side of every single matter and even if I see the bad one, I'd choose to pretend not to. After all these years of eating, breathing and living I've went through, I'm still like this. And you'd tell me (secretly) to wake up to open up my big damn wide eyes and see through them. Because not all people and all things are as simple? But tell me, what is so complicated about them? Why and how did they become so complicated? Isn't it just because of this thought? That causes other of such thoughts to run through in many others' minds? Is it your thought too? Why can't we stop it? Why do we always have to be on guard? Of people trying to kill us harm us hurt us or stab us from the back? Because this is life? Or because this is how you think many others out there would see life as? Like you? And now do you want me to believe you? Why?

So what if I know now? The more I know, the more I don't know. Can't I just choose to be myself? Can't you just let me be myself? Why not? Why not? Why not?

When tragedy's corrective;

2011-01-29T00:49:00.002+08:00

"In real life, men are sometimes too much addicted to pity or fear,
sometimes too little; tragedy brings them back to a virtuous and happy mean."
-Gotthold Ephraim Lessing (1729 – 1781)

Need no valentine's

2011-01-26T23:31:00.002+08:00

...this February.

At least till now, since the last ever one, I don't see much point of having one, let alone seeking for one.

Embrace your singlehood & enjoy y'all singles outta there! :)

Happy Valentine's Day ;)

Trapped

2011-01-14T18:59:00.003+08:00

Let me be trapped forever in my artistic and peaceful world of music, where everything and everyone is beautiful and innocent. Let me.

Coming clean

2011-01-13T01:50:00.011+08:00

"I got alot to say to you, yeah I got alot to say. I noticed your eyes are always glued to me, keeping em' there and it makes no sense at all. They taped over your mouth, scribbled out the truth with their lies, you little spies."

"Hi, yes you. There's some things I just cant do, wont do, & will never ever do it because it's just against my morals, against my values, against my limit, & against my style to spend even a whole minute with you doing it, dont y'know?! Well, there's really nothing much to hide. I detest, detest, detest you. And I refuse, refuse, refuse to like you. I feel supremely sorry to have sorta known you even without really wanna try to and so perhaps we just so bloody clash awwww. Yeah I know I'm nothing much but you're just so nothing much worth for me to mention either. So yeah that's pretty much it between us. I'm kinda cool with it though, but oh, you may not be? Whatever. Peace out, bye."

Resolution

2011-01-05T22:52:00.004+08:00

(.)

I made it clear that this year, I'll be as honest with myself (& hopefully, with the world) as much as I can.

Cheers to the new year! :)

For a dreamer, I'm pretty realistic

2010-12-30T15:08:00.004+08:00

(.)

2010. This year, alot of things have forced me to mature. For a dreamer, I've become pretty much a realist. I see how family is still the most important, even though it may be broken. The most minimal support from there is still fundamental to me. I see how great true friends can be, their love and their kindness always for you even if you don't expect them to be. Yet I see how phoney some people can get to reach their selfish needs, even myself. I see how relationships are mostly ugly, superficial lies, used as excuses to fill our own hollowness and sexual desires. I see how dreams could fall apart so easily, yet passion is still burning so strongly in so many dreamers out there like me. It is just inspiring to know that they keep you going at times you feel like giving up. I see how money and wealth are just this insignificant in our lives, for who cares about them when you're about to get so lonely and when you're about to die? Yet, I still see some people stepping on others to get richer, and how some people slog and save so hard just to survive a day. I see how fragile life can be, an unexpected heart attack or an accident and there, you'd be gone. I see how fast time is travelling at, and how quickly I am growing, how we all are growing, and ageing.

So in 2011, I shall not be too greedy. I just hope that those I love dearly would be with me. I just hope to quickly get my degree. I just hope for all of us to be healthy & happy. Dreams... I'll just try, but I won't be too unhappy even if they fail me anymore. And love... I just hope there's still a little faith to it in me.

May the coming year be a better one for us! Happy New Year :)

Slapped

2010-12-23T03:25:00.003+08:00

"You’ve waited for forever and a day just to die. And someday soon, you will die."

Isn't it so true? Love don't last. Friends don't trust. Dreams never come true. People won't help you if you can't help yourself. So let's stay tough. Or else, let's be gone.

Love, friends, brothers.

2010-12-20T03:15:00.003+08:00

Since young, I've always wanted an older brother. But sadly, my mom gave birth to me first before my lil sister and this makes me the eldest daughter of the family. I've always wanted an older brother who'd fight and bicker with me over small things, laugh at me when I pretend to act like I'm feminine by wearing dresses for my dates or parties or whatever, and protect me like my warrior whenever I meet danger. It's just, it feels good to feel protected. I'm sure every girl yearns for this kind of protection, and love. Even for tough girls, aka girls who tend to put on a brave front... yeah. Often, this is mixed up with a boyfriend... And it's sad because love can just ruin relationships and make things awkward after it ends, but brotherhood won't - it'll always be there. It is, to me, a stronger form of friendship. Love don't usually last - for isn't it more like a habit to comply to as time goes by - but friendship and brotherhood do last. Isn't this true?

Be more.

2010-12-19T00:48:00.005+08:00

"Nobody realizes that some people expand tremendous energy merely to be normal"
- Albert Camus

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain.

Would you rather feel happy in your comfort zone, your status quo, than to keep fighting to be better than this, better than yourself?

You may be greedy, always being the one wanting more, more, and more. It seems as if it'd never ever be enough. People would always laugh at you when you dream, and laugh at you again when you have your dreams fallen. You cry but you'll ask, is all these worth the fight? Would I ever be there?

Well, many of us probably won't...

But you forgot, at least, you'd die happy for trying.

Body respect

2010-12-13T21:47:00.009+08:00

"Casual Sex" - I thought it's a brilliant provoking piece to question how casual is sex? & how much in value is your body exactly?...

Body respect for both ladies & gentlemen. It is supposed to be basic, but now it's controversial.

Cos yeah, like you. Sometimes me. We'd prolly be laughing or lol-ing, maybe asking girls why keep your virginity, when so many prettier & hotter girls out there have already willingly thrown themselves to you and let you do them, for free even... Or maybe, why such a big fuss? Molesting is just touching, and touching is so common... or you'd even claim it's just "accidental" touching.

Yeah true. True all that.

But not all girls give up their virginity because many others have given up. It is because they still value it to the one they love. To some of them, it is a gift of love. To some, it's something sacred. But isn't it just more endearing to hear these thoughts than those from girls who, you know, give them up more easily? Well, at least to me...

And no, it is definitely not about giving it up to make yourself look better. Nope. I don't know how this ever came about, but it is just not something you can casually give it up and say it's cool or smth like that.

But really. Basics are still basics. Don't we ladies know we're to be aware we're ladies and act appropriately? Because it'd be of a disadvantage to us if we don't... Don't we know how to pride and value our body, and won't stoop low to let any Tom, Dick or Harry do us?

Yeah of course, there will be times, when the temperature starts rising, the hormones start rising and everything feels right, & you wanna feel loved and feel touched. So you head to the club, wearing your hottest bodyfit dress, showing off your well endowed breasts and curves and ass, hoping to attract the hot guys ogling at you at the bar. Duh, who doesn't know these times? (= who hasn't been young before?)

But do you just throw you, your body & your everything to him? No right......

There's a fine line between wanting to feel touched & loved VS desperate to feel touched & loved.

So that's why. Body respect, and everything has its limits.

So though I see nothing wrong with the rising cases of girls selling their used panties to feed thier customer's panty fetishes, I still believe it's a little off-limit, morally speaking. It's not illegal, but because of such business, more and more 'wolves', 'wolf instincts', and even worse, more shameless ones would be around. Definitely a social problem, no?

But the molest cases in those mass clubbing parties are just kinda expected? I mean we are all human, and sometimes, we all need some kind of indecency too don't we? So if you don't wanna get touched then just don't expose your alluring assets too much or just, avoid such places? Best prevention method isn't it...

Moral of the story: If you don't treasure yourself, nobody would or could treasure you...

Period.

Fear

2010-12-11T01:54:00.008+08:00

Don't you fear that the people around you are not as sincere as you do? Don't you fear that they may just be using you? Don't you fear that sometimes what you see is not what you could believe in? Don't you fear that one day you may turn out to be just like them? Don't you fear that you don't know yourself, at all? No?!

But I do...

For a pessimist I'm pretty optimistic

2010-12-01T02:11:00.002+08:00

That's when it comes to love.

"The story needs some mending & a better happy ending. "

Love changes things, doesn't it? The sparks that ignite within such a short time could draw the distance between us so near so quickly, like no other. It's not something you wanna describe, it's just something initimately sweet you wish to keep. But so many times, all these could only be part of our good memories. Because the next second, when we broke up, when our moments & momentum come to an end, and we get sick of each others' faces and kisses, we'll have to be more or less strangers forever, or be someone being too painful to ever meet. We could only live in the memories, the time we called our past.

Cos good things won't last for long. It won't last. Love won't last. So stop expecting it to be, & just savour the moments you could have? the moments we could have?

Everything comes & goes anyway, isn't it?

It's not about blaming the jerks who've once crossed your love path, that made you feel this way, or the girls who've dumped you, broken up with you, ditched you, cheated on you... Don't you feel that sometimes it's just human nature? We're too greedy, too delusional, too naive, too hollow, too empty, too blinded, too impulsive, too hasty, too hungry for love. Jumping into conclusions right away thinking and feeling that we'd be perfect, we're just meant to be & Oh, we must be the greatest pair created by this thing you called the Destiny. But we're not. But no harm anyway, right? We just need somebody to fill the emptiness. And we fit pretty well...for now. Love's more like just trial & error, mostly, so far. We'll get out alive after we got hurt anyway, and we'll use the sweet memories to heal, together with time. So let's not pretend we won't, and let's just get together for awhile, darling please?

Cos expectations always, always, lead to disappointments, and when you're disappointed, things break and wreck. So why make them? Why try so hard to be better? Why is love so complicated? Aren't you guilty too of making it so? So if it's so tough, why go on? Why be so sad?

If it's really so, I rather not love, not complicate things. Friendship is a happier, simpler option, isn't it?

I've once questioned, is love a half finding another half? or a whole finding another whole? Perhaps it doesn't matter, as long as it's the right fit. But the right fit doesn't guarantee happiness anyway, so why bother?

Be loved, & be happy. Oh really?

Perhaps I'd only expect a different story when I least expect the real it to come, for love to come. Someday, somehow. Mm-hmm.

Just sharing my two cents' worth to you, broken-hearted souls.

Cheers. The world still needs your smile, babe.

Moving on...

Through my lens

2010-11-29T01:43:00.004+08:00

To me, the world moves in slow motion. People walking, talking, laughing, and crying, everyone and everything in slow motion. For God knows when, my brain has already seemed to know how to capture good moments, happy moments, and make them stay there in my mind, playing in slow motion. It's like my eyes are the lens of a camera. Sometimes, weeks later, these moments could still be played in my mind as and when I think back, and I always, always think back.

Those sad moments are not abandoned though, but I guess they'd been obscured by my sorrows, angst, and the drama-rama cycle that I could have been through at first. I usually see them very clearly all the time, at first, and they'd replay in my mind in blurred visions after some time.

Whatever I'm feeling, happy or depressed, my world exists like a slow-motion movie. And all of us, are just, perhaps, actors.

Universal Studios

2010-11-28T15:23:00.011+08:00

Last fri saw me visiting Universal Studios together with my besties! The place definitely felt & looked so different with all the Christmas decos & beautiful lightings. So pretty & festive! :D It makes me feel like a happy kid all over. Christmas' always been my favorite holiday season.

We went because it only costs 5SGD after 6pm! Plus there's fireworks! Cant believe I used to fork out 70+SGD for entrance fee when it just opened earlier this year... (and I didnt really enjoy it that time, super awkward situation. Whatever, doesnt matter now)

The fireworks ignited right in front of our eyes, just a few metres away from us! I swear the lights were super blinding... at some parts I couldn't even open my eyes. But it's really gorgeous & the whole atmosphere's just awesome. Everyone, the kids, the elders, the tourists, the staffs, my besties & everyone going Wowwwww~ in amazement. Much better than NDP fireworks where I used to have to squeeze with the crowd to watch, plus the view might be partially blocked by the trees. Dislike :(

This also reminds me of the awesome days I spent rehearsing dance item for e Youth Olympics in Aug! Almost every rehearsal there's fireworks, and all we dancers standing at backstage going Wowwww as well.

Good times, good times :)

Pictures!!!

Snapping away pics of us trying out all sorts of hats & caps at the Hat shop ;D

The flowers sisters hahaha... we look like preparing for a play at kindergarden, dont we? :D

Ang ang, the alien.

Everything's so cute & yummy there. Jellybeans...look nice but I dont really fancy eating it.

Proudly presenting my Best friend awards to these two girls above. ^^

Love my Madagascar friends!

Looking like we're shooting a film or something? Let me tell you, it's just camwhoring. I think most girls (and drama-rama ppl like me) are talented at this. ;)

There's something funny yet so happy about this pic :D

Really, I am not that tall...it's just my bestie is pretty little ^^. We call ourselves the "Comedic duo" because of our height difference too. Lol.

We the babies afraid of the loudness of the coming fireworks. And of course, the only brave girl standing, Ade took this rare opportunity to snap this pic and laughed at us.

Had a really great fun time there!!!

Ang ang, hope it made your day too! I'm so proud of you recently cos, you knowww~ You've finally grown up. :) Think the only person that hasn't grown up is me now. Wish I didn't have to at all though. Why should we behave our age so much all the time? Don't get it. I refuse.

Keep the inner child in you, peeps. It's how you can be happy, like in a purer form of way. That's just how I see it.

It's the season of love & giving. So, lots love to you folks this weekend! ^o^

Hey, how's love & life?

2010-11-18T23:31:00.003+08:00

So you're feeling hollow, contented, lost, depressed..., whatever, you're not alone.

I'm in the mixture of everything, or once had, or once we had.

Just know that, you're not alone.

Hang in there.

Breathe.

Blonde

2010-11-13T20:21:00.004+08:00

Dear blog, I've dyed my hair blonde yesterday. For a play, a production, for money. For trying out a new color, perhaps for becoming prettier. But though many said it looks fresh on me, I feel I look like a stranger. I don't even dare to look into the mirror at times. Like others, I still cannot accept it so quickly. If given a choice, I would choose not to dye it, and to return to my asian colour, I'd have to wait for hair to rest with the chemicals first, else it'd bring more damages to my hair.

Guys, if you are thinking of bleaching your hair, don't do it, unless you're really sure. Or else, you'll prolly be full of regrets after that. Because once you bleached it, all your natural color cells in your hair cuticle would be drained out, and this is irreversible. To dye it back to my dark brown color, I'd even need to take the trouble to dye it red again before putting the brown dye. Your hair is like the art paper you'd wanna experiment colors on the least. Protect it, with all you can.

Being a blonde, with such conspicuous hair, make me so stand out in the crowd. I thought I'd like it, but I dislike it. All the eyes looking at me, and me thinking what they'd be thinking... I've grown up to really dislike attention very much, and people.

Being a blonde makes me see things, and people, in a clearer way.

No matter how ugly or unacceptable I look to many out there now, my father is always the one who accepts me so willingly, in a way, it makes me cry silently so much (because I'm too shameful to cry in front of people, and I cant stop once I cry). No matter how ugly I look, how mean I react and how ridiculous my thoughts could be, he would always respect me and support me with all that he can. He's really such an amazing man... He seems like those kind of guys that're extinct nowadays. Who could have been better than him... Why didn't he get rewarded with a more comfortable life than to have given birth to me, to have married such a lousy wife & have to slog so hard just to afford me a university education perhaps till he dies? Life's so unfair, so so unfair. I cant even have the chance to give him like a trip faraway to somewhere nice as a daughter, maybe till I graudate. But that's like fucking 3 years long more. God, can you please do something!! Grant him his wishes...

No matter how acceptable I think I could look, the society will always look at me in a different way now. They'd give a second look, thinking why did this crazy girl dye her hair so bright? Is she an angmoh wannabe? Is she mad? Oh my...is she still studying? Such a inappropriate color for a student!... So much judgements to somebody you barely know, hi, I'm guilty of that too with you.

Luckily, hair color is just temporary. I can change it back to 'normal' after the production. But unluckily to some real people, in real life, their disfigured face, scars, their weird handicapped movements, mad, insane thoughts... that hindered them to be 'normal', to be in the 'norm', are all judged like that by majority of the society every single day. Some of them, don't even have so much love from an accepting, forgiving and loving father like me, they coulda been abandoned, totally discriminated, or even killed for their 'disgrace' and 'uselessness'. All practical reasons aside, where are the conscience and feelings? Seriously? Some of them, these are not temporary, at all. They are forever. How do they bear that, when I cant even bear it for a day? It's so SICK to even think about all these superficiality... DISGUSTING.

Forget it. Talking about this more is just gonna upset me.

I just hope the world would become a much, much better place. Less criticism, more appreciation. Because, everything happens for a reason. Feel, and think, before you speak, or react.

Have a good weekend.

Disequilibrium

2010-10-30T01:02:00.002+08:00

I'll be away from school for a week in the upcoming November break.

Having to travel up to about three hours everyday to school and back, I've finally realised the awesome peace I could get from staying at home. I used to be so extrovert, so actively going out everywhere anywhere for whatever reasons I could think of. Now, I'm really loving the feeling of home, bickering with my sister... helping out to cook with my Dad, etc.

To think that I could plan my time better in this way...for at least this week, makes me feel much happier, makes me realise how much I've been missing out, being away, feeling away from home,...as in, always not placing home as my priority.

Guess maybe I've just played way too much, dreamt way too boldly, and travelled way too far. It feels great to be back home, be at home, the whole of today! The feeling of being down-to-earth, warmed, contented, and secured.

Maybe sometimes being too bold a dreamer isn't a good thing. Maybe, sometimes, being appreciative about what we have in reality is.

So glad, to be back...even if it's for awhile.

Ahhhh,...have I now become your favourite homely girly girl already? Haha.

Have a great weekend ahead. :)

Breaking through

2010-10-24T20:32:00.006+08:00

"Do not waste the vast majority of your life doing something you hate so that you can spend the small remainder sliver of your life in modest comfort. You may never reach that end anyway.

Resist the temptation to get a job. Instead, play. Find something you enjoy doing. Do it. Over and over again. You will become good at it for two reasons: you like it, and you do it often. Soon, that will have value in itself...

Find that pursuit that will energise you, consume you, become an obsession. Each day, you must rise with a restless enthusiasm. If you don’t, you are working."

Written by Adrian Tan, author of The Teenage Textbook (1988).

*

It is not about dreams VS reality. It IS about turning your dream and making it into reality.

After reading this, I know how wrong my life is right now. How terribly wrong I've been, how wrong most of us have all along been.

Academic studies have NEVER been my thing since few years ago. I think what held me there, in the academic route so long, has been my friends. I don't know why, I'm just not very interested in how chemicals react, Ca, Mg, Al etc. I'm not interested in calculations either, not interested with the differentiation and integration of algebra numbers... I'm just not interested. Maybe I'm just born to do something else, and this is not my niche. Gosh, here I am, after 10 over years of education, grumbling how much I detest studying the general content in academic educational studies. But well, hope it's not too late.

Finally after reading this text, I DARE to admit, I really detest studying. Sure, I love it before, I love studying only certain humanities modules. Geography, Literature, Sociology, History... Sure, I like them and won't push them away, but they aren't what I'd freaking be passionate about. Given a choice, I wouldn't wanna continue pursuing in my studies in them anymore.

So what am I, this 19 year old kiddo (who's starting to sound rebellious about not wanting to study blah blah) to do when I'm not gonna study? And what makes me so sure these things I'm passionate about are the 'right' things I should pursue instead?

Problem is, I'm not sure too. I have different passion all the time. Because...there's just so many things to try out, to learn, and each time I learn a new thing I'd fall in love so deeply in it. It was playing guitar when I was young, then singing, then now dancing. I've got a feeling I'll keep dancing, but maybe travelling when I grow older. I really love travelling, I can see myself loving to do that for the rest of my life. I have been secretly reading up alot about different cultures in the different beautiful countries. I've dreamt to be a traveller, earning from being a poor, pathetic busker, with no proper job, or maybe just a freelance travel writer, travel blogger...but in that dream I'm really happy, living in my own way, going wherever I want to go. Haha, maybe my husband needs to be as free-spirited like this as me. Or maybe, I don't even need to marry.

So much uncertainties. So much risks to take. Isn't this what making life interesting? Who invented the mundane system of working seriously...? I dont get it...maybe you do, well, then good for you. But I guess for now, I'm gonna be on my own way.

Cos sure thing is, I can't sit in an office for the whole day, from 9-6pm, working in the same environment for many years and then retire, and then die. I SERIOUSLY REFUSE TO. This is just not the way I'd like myself to contribute to the economy. And sorry I am just too selfish to not wanna sacrifice myself for the bigger good, or to meet all of your expectations.

This is my life, and I'm gonna start doing what I like to do right now. I have had enough. 10 years plus...10 years. To come to this realisation...or should I say, to finally admit to it.

I don't care anymore, how maybe a degree would bring me to better positions in the business world. Because I'm very sure I'm super not interested in earning big bucks to eat up your stakes or assets, or maybe to analyse them, or calculate them... NO. I rather marry a pauper who can paint or, play violin to serenade me. Really.

No wonder my Dad always just tells me, "To be happy."

I'm making this ridiculous bet with myself. If I don't pass my Year 1 papers in Uni this year, I'm so gonna quit. And I'm gonna travel. I dont wanna spend so much time, and SO MUCH MONEY, doing things that I don't like.

We should really re-decide what we wanna do in our lives, and do it...

One life, one chance, isn't it?

Religion

2010-10-23T18:18:00.004+08:00

To me, religion is still a question mark. It's most of the times, been a question mark. Until now, I'm still the same, old person seeking an answer to it.

I'm born from a Buddhist-Taoist religious background but later in my years, after I've learnt so much more about religion, after I know there're so many other different gods in people's hearts, I don't know who to believe in, what to believe in, and why I should believe in them anymore. Yeah, you can say I'm confused. I'm utterly, utterly confused, especially nowadays when there's even issues of promotion and brainwashing of certain religions, even in the secular Singapore.

What everyone said about Gods, those who believe deeply in them, seems so real. But when everything sounds real, what is really real?

In the first place, is God real? is His love for us, real?

Some says it is real because it is felt. It is felt from within, and we have to let Him in to feel it, for Him to help us. Some people have really felt it, I just know, I could even feel the raw truth when they're talking to me about it.

But some people says otherwise, and I can't deny it either. They say it's bullshit, because it is selfish. When you believe in, in your religion, is right. The others? All bullshit. So many racial riots, protests, discrimination... They say it is selfish. You go to heaven via crossing the bridge in your afterlife if you're a believer, but you go to hell if you do not, for example.

So what is really real? I really don't know. And I can't believe in something that I don't know, can't believe in something that I feel so uncertain, sceptical etc...

But yeah, I can't call myself an athiest either. I used to be, believing only in myself. Such an egoist for a feeler, yeah I know, haha. But of course, there're times when I break down so badly, and there's no one else I could seek comfort from...I'd find myself, dramatically, in tears and on my knees, talking to God, praying hard. (or, yeah, maybe some'd say talking to yourself.)

But I don't know, really don't know, how much He's helped me before, to make me become who I am today. I'm thankful for everything and everybody I have, or used to have, but I don't know if all these...all these that I have right now, I'd have to be thankful for Him? I'm thankful, absolutely, very, very much thankful for my Dad, my lovely friends, everyone who's once helped me...because I felt their kindness, their love. But I always have something holding me back when it comes to thanking God.

Maybe, I just haven't felt Him yet.

Which Him? I don't know. And I don't wanna end up praying in all kinds of temples, churches or other religious institutions. I believe praying comes from within anyway, anywhere and anytime. So as long as it's sincere, I'm sure maybe He can hear me?

So I guess, let religion still be that question mark to me...

Till someday.

Dreams

2010-10-05T22:29:00.004+08:00

“人因梦想而伟大."

However, nowadays I've been wondering...what if, I give up all my dreams? and just be what my Dad wants me to be? perhaps, I'd be happier since I'm those kind of person that will be happier when the others around me are happier. Not trying to say I'm selfless or whatever, but it's really more of a bliss to see especially your loved ones being happy isn't it? You, yourself, would then not matter so much anymore.

Perhaps if I give up all my dreams, be normal, be smaller, I'd be happier. Sometimes, thinking of giving up the chase of these unrealistic dreams of mine in this reality seems to give me much more of a relief. Chasing dreams not only needs courage but it needs a lot of hard work, patience and determination...and most of the times, it feels like I'm only clinging on to a hope, that perhaps is dwindling or perhaps, has never existed.

But then again, where will this lead me to? If I don't have a dream, dreamless and aimless? Like a misguided ghost?

And thus, I've come to the point again to stay faithful to my dreams. Without them, I won't even be me. I may not have to be it in the end, the one that I've been dreaming to be. But at least I've tried. I've tried my best. I didn't live in vain. The process is usually all that matters anyway, right? Besides, who knows there might be lots of surprises coming my way?

I smiled upon that thought, and have decided to become more optimistic about it.

Stay true to yours too, dreamers around the world. Don't give up! :)

Here we are

2010-10-04T02:54:00.007+08:00

One of the sincerest voices I've ever heard, and it never gets old. Love this song of hers so much.

Just got hit by this feeling that this whole wide world lacks so much of authenticity, simplicity & sincerity these days. Since when? I don't know. Or perhaps it's always been like that. I'm one of the guilty ones at times too, and I'd feel the shit feeling all over again, asking myself what have I exactly become? Where have all my innocence gone to? It is as if, almost everyone seems to put on masks so much they forget who they are...and they'd start to decipher from there based on their assumptions, start to create dramas. Self-directed dramas. How amazing... Sighs. What has happened to the world, seriously? Why do I have this absurd feeling that I'm losing hope in myself, in all of us, as a whole already...or is it just absurdity?

On the surface, everyone and everything just seems so deceiving. Sometimes I really don't know what to believe in anymore. Don't you have this feeling like this too? So, here we are now...and what does this make me, and all of us become?

Soulmates

2010-09-26T14:49:00.004+08:00

Sometimes I have to admit, people around us in this world are getting more and more obsessed with relationships. Love. Lust. Kiss. They fall in love, and then fall out of it. So quickly. So dramatically. So repeatedly. So many times, don't we find ourselves questioning ourselves, why do we feel still feel so lonely? so empty? or just so incomplete? Is it a love partner we need for life? Or is it a soul mate we need? Is it...?

Soulmates. To me, they are the ones who naturally understand you inside out & upside down, without being told. Most of the times, silence is perhaps, more than enough for the conversations, for what's important usually need not to be said. (And from my own experience, tears, too.) They are the ones who just know how to console you, how to read you, how to be there for you. Somehow and somewhat, they'd always happen to be the one there for you when you need them. There's a kind of amazing connection tied in the relationship of soulmates, that I feel is pretty much mystical and beautiful.

Some say soulmates usually end up to be your love partners. Some say they're different. I choose to believe in the latter because I don't feel we're all lucky enough to even find our soulmates, let alone calling them ours. Sorry for you to have to hear my pessimistic point of view, but reality makes it pretty much true isn't it? Somehow, I believe when things are too good to be true, most likely we won't have a chance for ourselves to call them ours.

Yet again, I randomly came across this and somehow it makes lot of sense. We have two legs to walk, two hands to hold, two eyes to see, two ears to listen, but we only have one heart. So maybe that is, for someone to find and connect with.

May everyone find their own soulmates in life.

Have a good weekend :)

One in a million

2010-09-17T20:08:00.002+08:00

I have this scene in my mind...that millions of people pass by each other, shoulder to shoulder, forming perhaps, the same first impressions thinking the people they see are just people like themselves. But the truth is, we may be similar...but we are all different. Does it make sense? No? But does it really make sense that the world would create so much of similar thing?

Some say the people we see are just the people we could have been. I'd prolly say the people we see are the people we might not have been. We're too different, each of us, for all our paths to cross (and be pretty much the same). Different passions, experiences, beliefs... different pasts and different people who make us who we all are today. Different...

Thus, one in a million. Let's not deny, you are it. We all are. Stop trying to look like others. Everyone looks normal before you know them. If after knowing them and that they're still normal to you, well, I thought the world's suppose to be full of interesting creatures...

Same same, but different. Be unique. Be yourself!

Have a great weekend! :)

To Anyone = 2NE1

2010-09-14T23:15:00.005+08:00

I am officially an obsessed fan of 2NE1! *screams* I'm so in love with their music, fashion, style, attitude, dance...everything!!! :D

The first music video I heard is "Pretty Boy", which was out around last year? Now when I hear it again, I could fall in love with it all over. It feels so like it's dedicated to my pretty ex-bf whom I've gotten over ages ago...relatable much huh? But the point here is, I feel so empowered and shiok choreographing & dancing to the song with a bit of vengeful girl power here & there in the moves! *evil laughs*

Out of the four...usually I would only love ONE or TWO more. For example in SHINee, I'd scream "Jonghyun!" but for 2NE1, I'd scream "2NE1!" All these four girls here are extremely pretty & talented it makes me kind of envious now! :/

Love them so much!

So anyways, some of their gorgeous pics to share:

*fan girl mode continues...*

Why do all good things come to an end?

2010-09-06T00:25:00.017+08:00

Recently, I've been looking back at those days unencumbered by worries...especially over the precious past 9 months of mine. The feeling of freedom, fun, friendship, love & passion. They're really making me wonder, when would be the next time I could smile and laugh so genuinely & sincerely ever again...

Love some of these moments so, so goddamn much!

(Not in any particular order & not inclusive of all my memorable moments)

That's part of my photo roll of happiness... :') I'm so, so thankful for all the people around me who can make me smile & laugh so happily like that. Because...don't we already know, without you all, I won't know I could be this happy in my life.

Why does all good things have to come to an end? Sighs.

*Reminiscent*

Hi, you social animals.

2010-08-28T17:26:00.009+08:00

As we grow up, many of us tend to feel the need to socialise more. These few days I only start to feel that the more I get involved in it, the more I'm starting to see the negative side of socialising... Please, pardon me, if you're a social animal or a huge fan of socialising. Because I'm not going to be offensive or anything, in fact I'd have to admit I'm pretty much a social animal myself. But it's just that, the more I become it, the more cynical I feel, and the more I feel like I'm losing bits of myself.

Socialising. Well, it's not as if I don't like to, I mean, who doesn't like to have alot of friends who can help you out in times of need, who'll be there for you, and who're nice to you? (Oh, btw, 'nice' has become such a general, over-used adjective describing people you 'know'...just saying :( ) But I kinda see the underlying fact that socialising becomes such a strong have-to, that you gotta do it regardless whether you like it, or not. Yeah, let's go on, let's build up our social contacts and networks... Oh, who knows if you may need to liase with them in the world of business in future? Oh, who knows if you may need them to help you out with your schoolwork in the next 3 years? Oh, who knows if you may just need them?

Familiar? I heard all these when I was a young child, and I'm sure everyone of us did before. So how can it not be familiar...

So let's face it. We're mostly selfish and practical people trying to use people for our own benefits, and we're usually so good at being cunning enough to hide our selfish intentions to call them our friends, 'cingus', 'babes', 'hunks', and as the world gets more westernised and liberal, everyone starts to become your 'love', 'honey', 'dear', 'baby'... Haha, informality put to good use to close the social gaps. So convenient, and we're just so skilful that we can be so good at controlling this social skill because why, once you're not good at it, you'll be known as hypocrties, betrayers or outcasts already. Oh no! So please be careful of your words and actions. So yeah, there you go, of course we're damn good at it...we've learnt so darn much from them who're around us, or from our past, or best still, from ex-friends.

But really, who's going to be your true friends? Well of course we won't exactly know. Only time will tell. So for the time being, we'll have to continue our trends of socialising? & selfishly keeping them with us first, y'know, just in case anything happens to us? just in case we've no one to be with in school, in future businesses, and we're left all alone to...die in the dark without anyone knowing or something?

So now what? Simple. "We gotta keep in touch babe, love you! ;)"

Sounds so typically sweet...from a cunning heart.

Yeah I know, perhaps, I may be thinking too much. Because for some I know, friends I've got to know under these have-to situations, and during these socialising parts & parcels of my life, they've really once cared for me so much whenever I was down, whenever I wasn't in my top form, and whenever I felt really lousy, needed somebody to talk to, to sweet-talk me and console me and make me feel better...they're there, at the most unearthly hours just for me. They've once touched me, with their understanding, dedicated to only me at that time when I so needed them. It is those moments, I realise, and you'll realise, they're your friends, and you'll believe, they'd be always there for you.

But if you're one of those 'friends' who deliberately creates such situations wanting people to need you (either secretly or cunningly) so that they can 'owe' you a favour that you expect them to return you out of guilt (either secretly or cunningly), then screw you, seriously. This is like manipulation already,...gosh. Go get a life. How to? Well, you can make new friends, create new bonds by spending more time with them, prepare more outings together...etc etc, though too much of anything could make one sick sometimes, but please, just not this?

All in all, though friends may be selfish, and they may in turn require and secretly be expecting you to be for them when they need you to,...you'll still help them with all your might, love them with all your heart and cherish them with all your life not just because you need them back (though it's still true), but really because you know they know they really, really do care.

That's all where it matters most, a caring heart.

Because the truth is, we're all selfish, and we need to socialise mainly to meet our own social needs, or perhaps, even society's needs. It is, a practical world after all. We need friends to be there for us, because we can't be alone all the times, no matter how independant you are, or how tough you may be.

...and so you make friends, and you may have a thousand of 'friends', and a few truly caring ones, but you'd just need one to be there for you to believe, or re-believe in the truth & faith of friendship all over again.

Perhaps, all of us should not be so cynical anymore..or maybe, it's only me in here.

Have a great weekend with all your friends!

Strange in the familiar

2010-08-25T01:59:00.005+08:00

My new university life unfurls. New campus, new faces, new things to learn everyday. There's so incredibly much to do, so much to ask, so much that's happening at the same time... I so wanna feel excited, in fact I was, on the very first day, but I don't know why, I've been bombarded by this growing surreal feeling of unfamiliarity so much that it finally hits me today, this evening, which felt so strangely familiar like a once forgotten deja vu, yet it felt like a debut that came from far. As much as I love my new friends, new school, and my new education agendas I've gotta wake up to everyday (or at least attempting to love...), I'm suddenly feeling so, so afraid...

because so far, as far as I know, there isn't really much familiarity I could even recognise, not much that I could place my trust in, based on my memory, empirically and emotionally. What's been symmetrical in me (or at least, what i think and feel so) is beginning to feel like it's gone haywire, and I can sorta feel the change of pulse...the change I could barely fathom. It sucks so fucking bad, because I feel so, so alone even when I could be surrounded by so many beautiful smiles and warm greetings for me.

Is it just me? or is it really real that the world is spinning so fast, and that everything and everyone's in a blur that flashes past me and I..., just standing still on the same spot in this new environment? Maybe I'm still looking backwards while everyone's already moving forward..., when I used to be the one always moving forward while everyone's looking back, maybe this is why it's making me feel strange in what's familiar...

or is it, none of the above to even start off with?

Would everything just come and go?

2010-08-13T00:46:00.005+08:00

I hope it's not for my case...

It's finally time, for me to realise, that I am really going to step into a new phase of my life... In just a week's time, my university courses would really begin. & In just 2 weeks' time, YOG opening and closing dance items would officially come to an end... I don't know why, but I'm actually feeling so sentimental and upset now maybe because I know, I'd be the first one to be very unwilling to accept any changes to what I've been loving to do so much, with all the lovely people who's been with me, and been through so much together... I hate saying goodbyes, and though it may not be permanent, now it feels like it, or maybe soon it's gonna be.

These 9 months after my college life, are really what I'd call my life to be. Life, as in the way I live, not the way I should live. I don't know how you guys have spent it or would have spent it...but I never really wasted any second of it. Because I clearly know, there won't be second chances for me to have such a luxury of time all to myself again...not anymore, not in reality, not in my reality. So I've been trying to pursue all the stuffs I always dreamt of doing, with all my blind mighty boldness and passion, whether it's singing, dancing, performing, photoshoots, fashion shows...even letting down my guard of fear to fall in love, and then picking myself up to fall out of it. I've been pretty amazing, and have been having such an incredible ball of time with all these people; my girlfriends, my ahs, my bestie, my ex, my ex-bandmates, my bandmates, my dancemates, my new found friends from shows, OGs, dance & music scenes...you all know who you are and you all know how truly grateful I am to have you guys to be with me, or once with me. I love you all so much that I really don't know and don't wanna know that I should be going on to my next phase of life soon...

...because I sense this bad feeling, telling me that I might be losing some of you, losing touch with some of you whom I love so, so, so darn much...once we all embark on our paths, which are so different that they might never ever cross or intersect with one another again.

May love bring us together, please? Please don't just come and go out of my life...and think of me once in a while whenever you're free. Don't foget me, don't forget us. Would you...please?

Picnic with 00Red

2010-08-01T03:07:00.007+08:00

Picnics at Marina Barrage always give me a surreal feeling of joy existing in its simplest form.

Words from my messy heart:

2010-07-27T14:28:00.007+08:00

I may not come from a perfectly happy, complete family, may not have a caring mother who'd shower me with unconditional love, may not be filthy rich to do whatever I want, may not have that large sum of money to go abroad or migrate to pursue my dreams, may not be the ideal girl for the guy I once loved so deeply, may not be very talented, may not be very book-smart and street-smart, may not have many friends around me, but I will cherish what and who I have with me till today and will still continue to live on boldly. No fear, no fear man...

You know who you are. And if you're one of those who're with me, you'll always be with me, till the death of me. I promise.

And thank you, so fucking much, to stay with me in my life. I hope there'll be more happiness than regrets.

With lots love.

The fragility of trust

2010-07-22T02:25:00.008+08:00

It only takes a few seconds, and a few hurtful words for one's reputation or impression to a person to be ruined. It's a game of trust, a challenge to how well you know the person (exactly), and a gamble to believe in him or her.

When would we ever learn and understand how to trust a person whole-heartedly?

Many say don't put all your trust in too much, beware of backlash etc. But y'know, disbelieving can be so tiring. Putting ourself on guard, being doubtful & sceptical all the time...trying to spy and stalk for underlying reasons...sighs. They say when you trust people way too much, and way too easily, things always tend to turn upside down, unexpectedly to what you could imagine... Sure, it can be so disappointing sometimes to know that the ones you trust turn back to hurt you... have gotten hurt many times. Can feel the pain, can understand.

But please, spare me, tell me it's not gonna be as if I'd be a dumb & gullible person if I still choose to believe in others way easily. It's perhaps just...I don't like the thing about disbelieving. Why not try to see the good side of people first? You mean, we're all so afraid to get hurt by those who might turn back at us that we put away all our trust and put on the guard mask...all the time?

Gosh. Been through that, and I tell ya, it's so much more tiring. :( I rather get hurt again and again than to distrust again and again if I were to pick.

If only, if only we all learn to trust more,...in those who deserves to be trusted.

Dear you

2010-07-18T15:32:00.003+08:00

You can be happy too, in the purest of ways. Believe it, you need to know you can be happy and you gotta do it. :)

P.S Being happy doesn't always include bf-gf love, many the times it's friendship love that burns the brightest. Whatever it is, we human beings require so much of different love to keep us going. We give, we take. We help to love each other..., like it's a mutual thing.

Perhaps, one day you'll understand...this is not really what you called "Selfish". This is, to me, something about self-loving, about loving yourself before loving others & having others to love you.

With love, have a great sunday!

Y

Shaven hair patterns

2010-07-15T23:52:00.004+08:00

I saw so many people doing it nowadays...the shaven hairdo looks so bold and kickass. Some girls told me it's downright mad & outrageous, but personally I'm damn tempted and inspired to do it, betting on the fact that I may not look that good with it. But heck yeah, it definitely gonna make me look cool & different in a way. Who knows if you don't try right...?

Hot or not? Should I? :D