I have been writing a lot recently and judging from the amount of words I write everyday, I am thinking I could possibly publish a book. I’m not exactly done with it yet, but since I am already at it and I do not wish to take tomorrow for granted, I will lay some of my thoughts down here on my manuscript and at my music page for anyone interested to read. (Yes, I am free to read...)
Writing stories is tougher than writing songs - I could still hide some ugly secrets and get them spun into prettified melodies or poetic lyrics in writing a song... in a way using music as my shield of witchery, but in writing a book I find that I have the obligation to be as honest and as exposed as possible. It is a terrifying thing to do, but I have given some consideration to this line “The one thing you have that nobody else has is you. Your voice, your mind, your story, your vision. So write and draw and build and play and dance and live as only you can. The moment that you feel that just possibly you are walking down the street naked… that’s the moment you may be starting to get it right” by Neil Gaiman and it has kinda stirred something in me and just got stuck with me since then.
Another similar one is from Martha Graham (*self note*):
“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. ... No artist is pleased. [There is] no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.”
"A Musical Memoir: Stories behind my songs"
written by Fym Summer
Content page:
“You”
“Dream”
“Silly”
“Wolf” versus “July"
“London” & “Here Comes The Train”
“Truth”
“Love”
“Me”
From “This Girl” to UN Women
“Time”
“You”
Year 2014. I wore my graduation robe, waiting amongst the graduands for my turn to receive my official academic certificate awarded by the University of London. I GRADUATED! Some of my friends exclaimed in joy. But as joyous as the occasion could be, I could not recall feeling any extreme joy that could possibly scream any exclamation or intense expression out of my being. I finished the Business Honours degree after three years, completing the dream of my father for his eldest daughter or possibly the nation’s for her young citizen here. I don’t wish to sound ungrateful – education is a gift and a necessity to empower our minds, but to dedicate years of studies on subjects you are not passionate about is a torture. How many people in the world truly love what they work for and study about? Not all, I am sure. And I was part of the sad statistics – sad because so much time and money are poured into doing something one does not enjoy doing and possibly will not maximise what has been imparted and taught… despite that Marketing and Social Psychology are some of my university modules that I find intriguing (studying, persuading and manipulating minds are intriguing) and certainly do not mind pursuing my Masters for, if I were to hear the calling to do so.
I moved on to work in so many other different Business related work upon official graduation. I was sometimes a marketing executive assistant, other times a secretary and assistant for doctors, professors, directors, and lawyers (and this I can swear it’s nothing like Donna in Suits). My main performing stages for work vary widely, but the usual working hours Mondays to Fridays 9am to 6pm, or even later, apply. I was just like most corporate and white collared workers, and it was a comfortable feeling to know that most of the days gonna be the same. These jobs are also distinctly different from the jobs I held before I was a graduate - I used to be a waitress, barista, flyer distributor etc. These post-graduate jobs felt extremely adult, like people’re expected to act like they know what they’re doing all the time, but they certainly do not. I didn’t like that hypocritical mindset, but I gotta be a responsible grown-up and pay my own bills. I suppose this is the reason why most of the world population work. In my free time during lunch, I enjoyed sitting alone in any quiet corners I could find to write, songwrite, or listen to songs from my favourite records by Keren Ann, Jeff Buckley, Sara Bareilles, Tori Amos, Alt-J, Civil Wars, Alex Turner, Joni Mitchell or whoever’s music I could find to match my erratic mood. I sought solace in them. It was a great 1 hour while it lasted, until my fellow colleagues and employer found that I was too wistful or weird for their liking. The end result: me handing in my resignation letter, because neither could I fit in, nor comply to their unwritten and expected rules in the work culture. I guess the job role clearly belongs to someone else more befitting and suitable, and I’d gladly make my move to bow out of place.
It dawned upon me I did not have a place in the world. I was feeling negative and dejected. It was a heavy feeling to know that you are born different and another heavier feeling to not know if it is a good thing. I felt lost and useless. Radiohead’s Creep would probably be the most apt song to play on my podcast at that moment and it would bring a brief smile on my face.
I talked about my feelings and sought advices and consolation from my sister what I could do to address my issues. My sister is my closest kin, my brightest star, and embodies a personality that is opposite of me. She is sociable, loveable, knowledgeable, sure of herself, and highly optimistic – not the kind who will usually react well to my utter depressive state.
So I started writing a song to myself, since I figured music could bring me some form of escape and relief. “Chin up, slow down…” I penned. “You go girl, beat the crowd…” And that is how my song “You” was born. After finding the melodies on my guitar, plucking random strings and experimenting over different notes on the frets, the first ever song in my EP “Heart” was completed in one or two hours’ time. But to me, the song felt like it has captured a whole decade of my life from 2004 to 2014.
This is my favourite line in the song that I wrote, and I hope it resonates well with you too.
“If the world doesn’t see you
Your heart of gold turned blue
Please still be you…”
“Dream”
I’ve always been a stubbornly silly and overly-idealistic lover, at least for most of my romantic relationships I have had. “Dream” could be one of my songs written that testifies to it, narrating the picture-perfect dream-like scene of two lovers being happily married and blissfully together forever and after. “I’ll write you your love letters, with all my honeyed words…” I wrote, together with my friend John Mahathir, who is an all-round talented composer and instrumentalist. “I’ll throw the confetti high up in the air…” I continued writing.
Ironically, the song was not inspired by any fantasy-like romances. It was about a story of one of his friends who sadly broke up with his girlfriend then, despite them promising each other to study and stay together in London. I didn’t want to feed my curiosity of what exactly happened between them, so I did not ask. Somehow I found pity welling up in my heart for all their could-have-beens that could be so bright and beautiful, more so than what they could have imagined or envisioned... y’know, like the dreamy yet painful Polaroid #throwback moments depicted in one of my favourite musical movies, “La La Land”, starring Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone.
So I guess “Dream” is a song about the perfect illusion of a romantic could-have-been wedding that may seem to be too rosy to exist in reality.
“I’m falling through the trees
I find myself at ease
As I lay down on the trees
And for me it’s –
You’re just like sunshine after rain
A dose of joy right through my veins
Puddles of love ‘round my terrain…”
“London”
So there's a strong driving force that made me book a one-way ticket to London town that very year. I still couldn't tell if it was because of my pure curiosity and love for the poetic rain and artistic energy in the city, or if it was because some beautiful imageries or memories of you were still scattered there. I hate that sometimes I so naturally weave a half-lie in order to tell a more compelling story, and I wonder if I am doing it right through this song to preserve the slightest kindness in you that I wish to remember you by. But I also love that because of you, London becomes more than just a charming place to me. The familiar alleys and the bus 139 route from my rented apartment in St John's Wood, famous scenic spots by the Thames, our favourite coffee cafe spot at the corner beside a large window pane, queuing of cheap bagels and last-minute tickets to Broadway shows, the scent of English rain every morning, the reflection of the clouds from the rain-filled pavements, the contrast between the daily hustle and bustle outside of Royal Academy of Music and all that music reverberating inside, and the long walk from there to Royal College of Music and us laughing how we could mix them up stupidly on our first visit... these things will always bring me back to you. And I am glad that each time I sing "London" I get to bring us back to those days where it all begins.
"We won the race against the sunset
And stopped the time but it wasn't planned
For us to last this while - at least it's all worthwhile
Or so I say... and if you hear this now
Won't you say the same, back to me?
You had all of me, and all I had was London..."
“London”
So there's a strong driving force that made me book a one-way ticket to London town that very year. I still couldn't tell if it was because of my pure curiosity and love for the poetic rain and artistic energy in the city, or if it was because some beautiful imageries or memories of you were still scattered there. I hate that sometimes I so naturally weave a half-lie in order to tell a more compelling story, and I wonder if I am doing it right through this song to preserve the slightest kindness in you that I wish to remember you by. But I also love that because of you, London becomes more than just a charming place to me. The familiar alleys and the bus 139 route from my rented apartment in St John's Wood, famous scenic spots by the Thames, our favourite coffee cafe spot at the corner beside a large window pane, queuing of cheap bagels and last-minute tickets to Broadway shows, the scent of English rain every morning, the reflection of the clouds from the rain-filled pavements, the contrast between the daily hustle and bustle outside of Royal Academy of Music and all that music reverberating inside, and the long walk from there to Royal College of Music and us laughing how we could mix them up stupidly on our first visit... these things will always bring me back to you. And I am glad that each time I sing "London" I get to bring us back to those days where it all begins.
"We won the race against the sunset
And stopped the time but it wasn't planned
For us to last this while - at least it's all worthwhile
Or so I say... and if you hear this now
Won't you say the same, back to me?
You had all of me, and all I had was London..."
“Silly”
This is possibly one of the songs that will stay close to me because of the feeling of unconditional love and acceptance I had once received. It confuses me to collect all my thoughts to have to write this in a way that I can understand, for the thoughts are usually overwhelming mashed up and tangled together. We have been together for about 2 years or so, and it is a relationship that I cried like a baby letting it go, learning that it is a love that I can’t carry anymore. Throughout the times being with him, he’s been patient, kind and tolerant of my unpredictable extremities. I was not aware I am not exactly a good-girlfriend material, yet he accepted me wholeheartedly. “Whatever makes you happy” was what he’d always told me, whether it was about dinner choices or big decisions to make.
I have come to find that the way I had loved him a little selfish and showy, in fact even self-glorifying. I wrote him love letters, recorded songs with him, performed musically with him, planned dates with him and even overseas trips, and I loved the idea that I was the one strategically taking charge in the planning and contribution for the progress of our relationship. It was only the later stage I realised I had been too demanding or active for him, and that all he wanted for us was possibly just a simple life lying on a couch playing our guitars, singing or listening to music together. I felt like an eagle and he felt like a dove (This reminds me of the record “Once I Was An Eagle” by the masterful lyricist, composer and singer-songwriter Laura Marling…). It was sweet to be truly enamoured of by a love so tranquil and pure, but also bitter to know it has never been mine to begin with.
But I took my time to learn that letting it go is for the better that we both deserve. And I take pride to know that I have learned it well to still be able to smile at what we had once achieved together.
“You say I am the moon
But I am just a star
One in a million
But so insignificant
Just gonna say one thing
Live well too, my love
Don’t always have to give in to me…”
“Wolf” V.s “July”
Contrasting as my songs “Wolf” and “July” can be, the inspiration behind these two songs is drawn from the same person I had been in contact with over the course of 2013 to 2015. It was an encounter that’s nothing close to ordinary - from how we both decided to meet to how we decided to let things between us progress, and how it just abruptly ended. He was a scientist, logical, impatient and intense, while I was a singer-songwriter, intuitive, sensitive and gentle. I had never quite believed in the saying “Opposites attract” that most people would have known until the day I realised my curiosity, attraction or possibly infatuation of him.
I remember he told me a lot about his past, his first love, how his first love looks like me, and how he thought it was interesting that we’re both born in July. I remember “Don’t Dream It’s Over” by Crowded House, “Angels” by Robbie Williams, “Hallelujah” by Leonard Cohen and a series of nocturnes by Frédéric Chopin were playing on the radio in the car where we were both in as we were both smiling at each other, possibly happily or excitedly after meeting each other for the first time and not knowing what’s going to happen next. I remember how the records coincidentally matched the atmosphere and the way we felt about each other’s presence; the way it didn’t feel like an awkward, unfamiliar first meet at all, yet there’s something more.
It was a dark night at around 1 a.m and the moon was pretty full. We were spontaneously heading off to the beach.
What happened when we were by the sea at the beach is possibly the most unexpected moment between us. You probably could have guessed from the lyrics of “July” is what exactly happened then. It is also the happiest moment he has ever given to me throughout the course of three years in the remote, on-off, intense and unpredictable relationship we have had, yet the joy was strong enough for me to mould it into a song – perhaps my way of holding on to this memory.
Apart from that seaside's occurrence, the rest of the time with him was through exchanges of words on phone texts, email, Tinder, and Facebook messenger. There were also moments that he broke my heart through just words, but they were profound and haunting to me that I had to encapsulate them in my song “Wolf”. You could tell me off right now and say how can I be attracted to someone with just mere words, for words are cheap?! Well… I was young, curious and naïve. Words impact me more than I thought they would. Besides, he could have done worse things to me that we both might regret, but he did not. I felt safe. I felt I could save him too. But now I know better that he doesn’t need any maiden, warrior or saviour to mend any fairytale.
He is a wolf, but he is July too.
“Here I am, sitting in a bathtub
Holding up a pen like it’s my last cigarette
I was sober but why do I feel like a loser
All drunk and wasted
For playing all cool and nice all the time
Glitter and sequins they don’t even reflect this life
That barks like a lonesome wolf
They’re howling for you
They tryna entice you
So you could be their prey”
**
“He firmly took my hands, okay I understand
So it’s what it’s now - it’s hard to just pretend...
I let out a little chuckle and he shut me with his lips
Like they’re singing ‘stay with me’...
There he took off my socks and threw them in the sea
It got me so frustrated ‘cause it’s my favourite piece
Barefoot on the shores that later cut me through my feet
He carried me, saying sorry...
The moment felt so calming like July
By the sea’s glittery shine
The warmth in his eyes touched me like July”
“Me”
Pretty self-explanatory isn't it...? This is the first song in my sophomore EP "Luna" (which means moon in Latin, because y’know... I am an emogirl_91 who feels moody like a moon swayed by the tides most of the time) but the last one to be included in it.
The making of this second music album is such a rough self-searching process, and not to mention my sky-high expectations for it had not made it any better. I remember this song being born at the verge of the moment when I wanted to give up composing for the album, and was contemplating if I should just leave it to be a four-track EP. The sky was overcast then, and that was exactly how I was feeling - heavy like the cumulonimbus clouds and almost about to outbreak into a massive thunderstorm of tears. But I am just so grateful for this song that came by in time so that I didn't have to cry... *swings a little victorious dance*
"It's daunting to be a little fish out in the sea
I don't know where I am going anymore
I feel uninspired, what did I do to be so tired?
Humming to the rain all alone...
Perhaps I am waiting as I am writing
Melodies that could take me far
Perhaps I am painting as I am dancing
To the pouring lyrics from my skies
Am I a singer? Am I a dancer?
Who I know I'd be
Am I a dreamer? Am I a writer?
Who I'd wanna be
I'll be me..."
“Me”
Pretty self-explanatory isn't it...? This is the first song in my sophomore EP "Luna" (which means moon in Latin, because y’know... I am an emogirl_91 who feels moody like a moon swayed by the tides most of the time) but the last one to be included in it.
The making of this second music album is such a rough self-searching process, and not to mention my sky-high expectations for it had not made it any better. I remember this song being born at the verge of the moment when I wanted to give up composing for the album, and was contemplating if I should just leave it to be a four-track EP. The sky was overcast then, and that was exactly how I was feeling - heavy like the cumulonimbus clouds and almost about to outbreak into a massive thunderstorm of tears. But I am just so grateful for this song that came by in time so that I didn't have to cry... *swings a little victorious dance*
"It's daunting to be a little fish out in the sea
I don't know where I am going anymore
I feel uninspired, what did I do to be so tired?
Humming to the rain all alone...
Perhaps I am waiting as I am writing
Melodies that could take me far
Perhaps I am painting as I am dancing
To the pouring lyrics from my skies
Am I a singer? Am I a dancer?
Who I know I'd be
Am I a dreamer? Am I a writer?
Who I'd wanna be
I'll be me..."
“Truth”
It first happened when I was telling what felt like the cold hard truth to this panel of music judges. I had to lay out a proposal followed by a music performance to justify why I should earn a certain amount of music grant and present it to them. I have never felt the need to sell my music and myself so much until this very moment happened. It didn’t help too when I realised the band before me had been well equipped with at least a 20 page long Powerpoint presentation and essay handouts to boot.
Strange enough, I didn't feel like I was under prepared, nor did I feel the need to be prepared for it. In fact I felt pissed. Why does this feel so staged? Can't they already see me for who I am in my music? I had wild and arrogant thoughts, and I felt ashamed to even think of them. But I still felt nothing less than a product no matter how I thought around it.
I went up the stage, performed my songs as what I was expected to do best, and smiled. "I don't have any presentation clip, and I already have self produced my Heart EP... though it'd be great if I could still get the funds too because it's so tough to be a musician these days. I love music and I feel like I'm born to this. But I'm not rich, so it feels like my whole life is on the line..." is close to what I spat out at the time.
I could see the somewhat shocked faces and responses by the panel but I wasn’t exactly anticipating them. My music mentors, thankfully, looked proud and that kinda assured me that I did make some sense in my verbal diarrhoea.
What surprises me is that many already know the truth, and many receive it courteously, but not many receive it well and provide some kind of resolutions. These reactions are what I still receive not only by the panel, but in everyday situations and critical circumstances - they remain baffling for me even until today.
People seem to have the tendency to avoid or cover the truth so much for many reasons. Perhaps in their defense mechanisms, to tackle it is to run and laugh it off instead of facing the music. This boils me, because silence in certain cases is not golden.
We may not have the power to change things for the better all the time by upholding the truth, but it's definitely cowardly to abuse the right of remaining silent when our conscience and ability already know something more can be done.
I remember writing this line down in my lyric book or some napkin in a cafe: "I don't understand why people laugh whenever I speak the truth, is it humour they can't get or have they all just been too sad?" and I also remember drawing lots of angry emoji faces ‘>:(‘ around the word "humour".
This song has gotten so sarcastic, but it sure speaks volumes… I laughed at myself with my producers when I got it recorded eventually and released it as a single in 2016. The song has received so much great response and rave reviews that it makes me heave a heavy sigh… Such a suppressed and superficial world.
"I don't understand why people run
Whenever I speak the truth
Is it danger I possess
Or are they all lies obsessed
Don't try to silence me
Now won't you excuse me”
From “This Girl” to UN Women
As many may have known and have been curious about the true story behind this song "This Girl" and my performance of the song at the UN Women's campaign during December 2016, I just want to take this opportunity to clarify that "This Girl" is not a song specially written for UN Women - the song has already been born around April 2016, written from my own painful and personal account while the chance to perform for UN Women's wonderful campaign of 16 Days of Activism to galvanise action to end violence against women only struck and came by around November 2016.
At that moment, I felt utterly compelled to perform this song at the UN Women's campaign. I guess it is because I believe that there is something in the message of the song that is so befitting to UN Women's values and what they have been putting up such a good fight for. Ever since, it has now become a cause that is so dear and near to my heart too that I pledge to do my best contributing in.
Through my music and performance of this song, I hope that I can empower women, who are often deemed as the weaker gender by the majority of the world compared to men (possibly why there is UN Women and not UN Men yet... right?) , and hoping that women from all over the world can realize that they can stand for themselves to fight for what is right and not let their voices be unheard or buried, even when the whole world tries or threatens to shut them up.
Don't get me wrong, being a feminist and an activist for UN Women is not about bringing men down at all; it is about becoming more aware of how men and women can empower each other better and working towards it. In other words, it is about being a human, about working together to achieve gender equality, ideally speaking.
On a personal note, many times when I think about the culprits taking advantage of women (i.e. exploitation, manipulation, abuse, rape to name a few), I usually envision that they are evil strangers with red horns attached on their heads. Based on observations and experiences, I believe we all can safely say the perpetrators could be unexpectedly the people we trust the most too. It only takes one moment of temptation to commit the heinous sin, and one wrong judgment to believe in the wrong person.
To those who have been a victim of any of such ordeals, I just want to let you know I am incredibly sorry to know and I truly empathise with you. I wish you and your family well and to heal soon. Whoever's fault it is and no matter what punishment he or she would be given in the name of law, it cannot turn back time and it isn’t something the real criminals can pay the full ransom for either (not even with their blood... that’s how grave it can be in case I have to spell it out to you). So, please do know that you are still as precious and well worthy of being loved, and do not let this bring you down for too long.
In my early university days, I learnt from books in the libraries and lecturers in my course about how it is always easy to dehumanise someone who is more passive and submissive (as we can see from Stanford prison experiment by Dr Zimbardo, Rhythm 0 performance art by Marina Abramović and etc), but I never truly learnt it until I fell into a trap and got hurt.
Recently in a music masterclass I attended, one of my music mentors at the Royal Academy of Music had also told me that in this world there are two types of people in this place we live in: The light and the black hole. There will always be black holes trying to take away your shine, but we have to learn to be stronger, wiser and alert in all circumstances through mistakes and lessons learnt in the hard way - the only way to keep the starlight in you and shine brighter.
There is no doubt that it will always be a struggle to move out of the darkness, it is like a bottomless pit that will make you dwell in there for a long time. But when it is time to be brave and have faith that there is still compassion left in the world, you will need to embrace it.
I sincerely hope that this song makes you feel what I have once felt in my plight, and that it reaches out to you and makes you choose love and forgiveness even when you could choose hatred and disdain.
“And right now she knows
With every breath that she takes in now
Gives her a new life
To bid her past goodbye”
Writing the rest of the chapters in progress...
No comments:
Post a Comment